The Collective has been a bit busy with our bloody inconvenient day jobs, so we haven't been as prolific at posting as normal (at least that's my excuse, I'm not sure about the others).
Anyway normal service will be resumed shortly so in the meantime here's a picture of Stephen Harmison celebrating a wicket like a big girl, to keep you all moderately amused.
Today is John Cleese's birthday. It is also Glenn Hoddle's birthday. And Simon Le Bon.
And it is also the birthday of one member of the Collective. Happy Birthday. And a prize to the first person who works out which uber vain member of the collective would want their birthday highlighted on the website.
Unfortunately no famous cricketers were born on the 27 October so this is an off-topic post.
UPDATE: I got that completely wrong. Mark Tubby Taylor was born on 27 October 1964, Kumar Sangakkara was born this day in 1977, and Irfan Pathan came into the world on 22 years ago today.
I can't work out if this is very cool or very weird...
Apparently last year VB Beer ran a marketing campaign based on a 'talking' plastic figurine of walrus-like Aussie cricket legend David Boon (I kid you not).
Thanks to the wonders of modern technology, these plastic figures were linked to the cricket and 'came alive' in response to adverts or signals during matches.
This year Boony is back and this time he's got a friend - Ian Botham (although the Beefy figure looks like it has jaundice). A fellow blogger has posted us a link to this site which explains all....
BOONY UPDATE:
Apparently there were also a number of technical problems with the Boonies.
There's only one word to describe how the boys are feeling after losing at the weekend. Very disappointed.
We were disappointed not to build on such a good start by Andrew Strauss and Belly and after that Damien Martyn and Mike Hussey batted really well to take the game away from us. Some of the boys said they were impressed with my batting and that I might get moved up the order when we get to Australia. Ready said that if I carry on like this I could even replace Liam Plunkett as 12th man. I really hate him sometimes.
The boys were really upset by Geoffrey Boycott's comments about Duncan. Freddie in particular said that he'd love to go and give him a black eye, to which Gilo said 'don't worry he wont fight back, you're not a woman'. Typical of Duncan he hasn't really said very much at all, but we can tell that's he's disappointed.
Kevin Shine [England bowling coach] has been trying to gee the lads up. He rightly said that the defeat to the Aussies was, 'a negative, and now we have to have two positives'. One to cancel out the negative and another one so we can have a positive.
I thought about this and I have decided that the two positives are:
1. We can make amends by putting in a good performance against the Windies; and
2. We get to spend some time at home before flying out to the Ashes.
It'll be good to see my friends and family and I'm particularly looking forward to watching Mark Ramprakash in Strictly Come Dancing. All the boys have been talking about it but he will have a long way to go to be as good as Darren Gough was last year. I think I'd like to do something like that in the future, (I'd love to go on I'm aCelebrity like Tuffers did) but for now I'm just concentrating on the Ashes.
Jimmy A, India (As imagined by the I don't like Cricket Collective)
I'm always accused of being the overly optimistic and overly biased member of the Collective. Well someone's got to be the leader - and that's the role I see myself in.
But since my last posting I think I have found conclusive proof of the mental fortitude and unity in our team; reinforcing the fundamental weakness of the Aussies. Geoff Boycott. Never liked him. Man with a scoring rate slower than a Nun on an island convent.
If he's the closest we've got to internal divisions, we are set for victory. They've got Gilly fighting against Warney, fighting against Punter, fighting against Buchanan, fighting against a bevvy of ex-Captains. Bring it on Aussie scum. (I am ignoring last Saturday's game - I refer comrades to my previous posting on this issue).
So here's my personal message to Geoffrey: Nice Hat.
Mitchell Johnson is a stupid name. So are Brad Hogg and Mike Hussey.
In fact thanks to a combination of Neighbours, Home and Away and the Australian cricket team, we in the UK could be forgiven for thinking that all Australian men, and some of the women for that matter, are all called Shane, Brad, Brett etc.
To celebrate this fact the I don't like Cricket team brings you: 'The random Aussie Cricketer name generator', so you can have minutes of fun creating a name for your own identikit Australian cricketer (mullet, blond highlights and/or moustache not included).
Just refresh this page to keep changing the name below:
Please note: 1. The IDLCC would like to thank our mate Mad Dog for writing the script for this. 2. Yes I know this is extremely juvenile but it has amused me, briefly.
Cameron Williams. Jodie Henry. Anthony Koutofides. Simmone Jade Mackinnon.
No, I've never heard of them either but apparently they are Australian 'celebrities' and they are promoting the Cricket Australia 'Go Off In Green and Gold' campaign which is encouraging all Aussie cricket fans to wear green and gold, in support of their team this summer. (Presumably in an effort to 'out-barmy' the Barmy Army.)
This is the very attractive Simmone Jade Mackinnon.
She is in a show called McLeod's Daughters which, to my surprise, is NOT a spin-off from the successful Highlander films, but is in fact an Australian drama set in the outback (a bit like Flying Doctors, but without planes or, erm, doctors) .
In fairness, although I've not heard of any of these people I guess the same would be true for our Australain readers if the England team got celebrity endorsements from UK-based stars like Dermot O'Leary, Natasha Kaplinsky and (wee) Jimmy Krankie. However, I can't help thinking that Cricket Australia have missed a trick by not going for more internationally high-profile stars like Olivia Newton-John, Darren Hayes (ex of Savage Garden) and that one from Home and Away and Emmerdale what was shacked up with Matt LeTissier for a while.
I have been tempted to write a long and serious post-mortem of England's predictable 1-day defeat at the weekend, but on reflection I think that kind of thing is best left to The Corridoror Patrick at The Times.
Instead I have decided to stick to what this site does best: namely posting random nonsense about things that no one apart from ourselves finds funny.
As such here's a couple of lookalikes (one of which is sort-of He-Man related) which occurred to me while watching the match at the weekend.
I've managed to recover enough from my hangover to be able to post my random thoughts on the England - Australia game:
13.22 Right i've had enough now and i'm off to watch the football. Here's hoping that by some miracle England can make a game of this when they have a bowl.
13.17 Great shot by Jimmy. See my previous comment :)
13.13 Why is Harmison batting above Anderson? I've seen nothing in his batting to justify his lofty place in the batting.....
13.12 Why does Mahmood come in above Harmison? I've seen nothing in his batting to justify his lofty place in the batting. At least Harmy hits the ball...
13.05 Bit of niggle between Saj Mahmood and McGrath. Save it for the Test matches Saj...
12.52. Dalrymple and Read go in quick succession. This is very depressing after a promising start. I would refer any Australian readers to this disclaimer posted previously by one of the other Collective members.
12.33 Replys show the ball hit Yardy'a back not his bat.
12.30 Why are we so bad at 1-day cricket??? Yardy goes after scratching around and scoring 4.
12.19. Strauss gone. England are struggling now.
12.16 Yardy out to bat. It's been bugging me, but i've just realised who he looks like: Infamous Who wants to be a millionaire? cheat Major Charles Ingram. Uncanny.
12.05. Freddie out! Caught in the outfield off the bowling of Mary Jane Watson.
Midday. 50 for Strauss. Good effort.
11.53 100 up for England.
11.34. KP in. KP out. That's more like it England...
11.24 I like Mitchell Johnson's piercing. Just had a man knock on my door checking my details for the electoral register - worryingly the Government knows where i am now. Ian Bell out. Bugger. Who will come in at no.3?
11.10 Drinks. Great start by England, Bell in particular playing well. I'm surprised how little agression the Aussies are showing. Damien Martyn's drop looks funnier every time they show it. Jeremy Coney is a knob.
10.56 McGrath having a terrible time. Throws ball at stumps in frustration. Temper, temper Glen.
10.49 Is it me or is this game lacking intensity? Couple of fours liven things up. A bus goes past my flat...oh my god i am becoming Henry Blofeld. I'll be talking about pigeons soon.
10.45 Damien Martyn take a bow. What a terrible drop!! Bell was already walking.
10.40 England team sitting in the stands look a right motley bunch - half expecting one of them to be wearing a hankie on his head. What's Yardy listening to on his Ipod?
10.29 Good start for England. Strauss gives it to McGrath and Bell playing well. What's going on with Brett Lee's hair? Ian Harvey and Geriant Jones in the SKY studio look like extras from Lord of the Rings, Precious. Oh yeah and Damien Fleming has a stupid voice.
As with all bloggers the I don't like Cricket team is desperate to be loved.
As a result we have signed up to StatCounter to check how many hits IDLC gets per day. Now I have to admit that I have become quite obsessed by this. In fact I check it virtually every hour. And although we haven't quite gone viral we have seem to have built up a loyal readership. To all of our regular readers I would say this: THANK YOU and I hope you enjoy the site.
However statcounter also allows us to track from which sites people have come from . So for whichever one of you out there has come from a Russian site which is full of bad quality naked pictures of someone whom I assume to be your wife, I would say this: F*ck off and leave us alone, your wife is f*cking ugly and no one should have to see naked pictures of her (as I've just done)!!!
I hope that is clear.
P.S. I have been eating chips in chili sauce while typing this and I have managed to rub some of the chili in my eye so I'm even more annoyed now. Grrrrrrr.......
The political gossip blogger, Guido Fawkes, is running a caption competition for a picture of cricket legend Ian Botham and a British Tory MP holding a plate of meat (follow the link and you'll see what I mean). This has spawned a whole set of gags about Beefy's alleged predilection for "smoking the 'erb". Of course British readers will know that this is not the first time that he has been photographed in public with a joint...
(For those of you who haven't got a clue what we are talking about check out this - one of the most bizarre advertising campaigns ever.)
15 valid reasons why girls should love cricket...UPDATE
Further to our feature on Katie's Website, the eponymous Katie has been in touch. She seems like a thoroughly good egg so I'm sure she wont mind me posting her reply:
"I would love to defend myself, re: Rikki Clarke. I think if you have 1 Clarke versus 2 jones' an anderson, 1 strauss and a Matthew Hoggard then you are duty bound to post the picture. I have a feeling when I posted it I felt guilty about trying to chop him off and so left him on in the hope that someone loved him. However, after his rather poor comeback, I feel quite inclined to chop him off, but I won't as it'll look like I'm only doing it due to peer pressure."
All-in-all I think that's a pretty fair excuse, although amusingly she also said that she was worried that I was Rikki Clarke's Nan trying to trick her into saying something mean about him.
It's alright Katie, even Rikki Clarke's Nan thinks he's ugly!
I was always a rubbish bowler. Even when I captained a team I refused to bowl myself I was that bad. Slow right arm, no turn, no spin.
I remember one over that went so bad that one ball went flying (well gently rolling) down legside and passed the batsman off the strip, but I'd already given away so many wides in that over that the umpire just looked at me with pity and called "over". I didn't know whether to celebrate or cry.
Well for all us crappy bowlers of the world, Steve Harmison has now given us an excuse. Apparently his 78 ball over that went for 20 runs and one wicket was because he tried to hard.
Harmy says: "I was probably trying too hard. With only 124 on the board I went at it too hard. Maybe I lost a bit of focus rather than staying in control. Sometimes that's not a bad thing, trying to bowl really fast before getting things in control. Hopefully I've learnt from that."
After 20 years of thinking I was rubbish, I am now relieved to know that I was trying too hard and bowling too fast. But then any slower for me would have been underarm...
Stuck on a bus on the Kings Road this evening I could have sworn that a TV in a pub window I passed was showing that Australia were 9-wickets down against the Windies.
Having left work when Australia were cruising to a win I assumed that I had simply misread the score. Imagine my joy therefore when, already jubilant from Chelsea beating the European champions, I came home to discover that Jerome Taylor had taken a hat-trick as the West Indies ended up beating Australia by 10 runs. (That will be the same West Indies who were skittled out for 80 against Sri Lanka at the weekend. )
Of course it means that England's game against Australia takes on even more importance now (and the Aussies are going to be incredibly fired up for that one) but for now I'm just going to enjoy what has been a great night...
Obviously all the lads were disappointed with our result against India at the weekend. After the game it was difficult to tell whether Duncan [Fletcher] was angry or not, but then in fairness it's difficult to work out what he's thinking at the best of times. (I once asked him whether there was anything in particular I needed to do to make sure that I could consistently put the ball in the right place when bowling. He just said, 'Yes' and walked away.)
We know that we need to transfer our Test form into the one-day arena, especially with the Aussies coming up next. Having missed out on the Ashes last year I can't wait to get stuck into them this time round. I know Jonesy [Simon Jones] got really fired up against Matty Hayden in the games prior to the Tests last time and I have to admit that I've been practicing my sledging on Belly in the nets.
In an effort to improve team morale Paul Collingwood organised a team quiz night on Monday. It was a pretty keenly contested affair. In particular everyone wanted to be on Andrew Strauss's team because he went to a posh school and has an A-Level in General Studies. A lot of the lads surprised me with their general knowledge. Belly in particular was pretty hot on capital cities but everyone laughed when he said that the Australian Prime Minister was Michael Howard.
In the end Gilo's team ending up winning with Harmy and Freddy (who always insist on being together and wouldn't let anyone else join their team) coming second. Everyone enjoyed it, except KP who accused Chris Read of going off to the toilets to check the answers on his phone.
Anyway it definitely did the job in raising team spirits and we're all looking forward to taking on the Aussies now.
I'll post my thoughts again after that game
Jimmy A, India (As imagined by the I don't like Cricket collective)
A fellow Collective member has rightly pointed out that the last four posts on this site have included images of:
- A group of naked cricketers by a swimming pool; - Shane Watson stripped from the waist up; - A tube of KY Jelly; and… - Arnold Schwarzenegger. Topless.
Therefore in an effort to address the rather homoerotic balance that this site appears to have struck of late here's a picture of the England Women's Cricket Team with a proper Queen.
My favourite 'reason why girls should love cricket' has to be:
"#9. Stump camera = bum camera"
Not sure about #14 though.... is that Rikki Clarke on the left of this picture? If so how on earth does he qualify for a picture of sexy topless cricketers? C'mon Katie, defend yourself...
Photo: The 'Queer as Folk' cast relax after a long day's filming
Looking at the photo of the now buff Shane Watson it has occurred to me that following our last lookalike it looks like he has gone out of his way to look even more like He-Man....
Well they like to call themselves the Australian Cricket Family, but if this was a rite of passage in my family I'd be on the phone to Childline quicker than you can say "call 0800 1111 if you think there's something strange about this behaviour".
"He basically just grabbed me by the hand [and walked me] into the toilets and was threatening me to put suppositories up his backside" Mike Hussey tells Australia's Inside Cricket magazine how, in 1994-95, Tom Moody introduced him to the Western Australia dressing-room
Our pal JC reports that Australian cricket Coach John "Ned Flanders" Buchanan has once again employed the latest technology in his ongoing crusade to push back the boundaries of sporting performance. His latest innovation is the use of GPS satellite tracking systems to track the movement of his players during games.
Given his already strained relationship with Ned it will be interesting to see whether Shane Warne will take kindly to wearing a device which has the potential to monitor his daily trips to Burger King and Melbourne's Fu King Massage parlor.
Anyway this picture at cricinfo shows the impressively muscular results on some of Australia's players. This, of course, is nothing new to us in Britain, we have been putting electronic tags on criminals like the Aussies for years..
What a bunch of cowards. It is clear that the efforts of the Collective and our loyal readership are working. The convicts are crumpling under the pressure of our attack - not just the team, not just the fans, but even the arrogant media.
Dear aussie friends, if you need a white flag just drop me a line - I have many that I can lend you.
Jimmy’s Diary – Good to be back in an England shirt.
I was pleased with how it went in our warm-up game against Rajasthan. I was itching to get back bowling in an England shirt and it was good to pick up a couple of wickets so early on.
Two good catches by Ready as well. “Well done Manuel [see 11 October entry for explanation of Jimmy’s nickname]”, he said when I took my second wicket, “the girdle is obviously working”. This really annoyed me. He and Alistair had started a rumour when we were at Loughborough preparing for the Tour that before he left to go back to Australia, Troy Cooley had got me to start wearing a girdle and corset to help re-model my bowling action. This really annoyed me, especially because it was Liam Plunkett that was wearing them.
I did ache a bit the next day and Duncan insisted that everyone who bowled in the game should have an ice bath after nets. Saj Mahmood is really scared of snakes and when he was in the bath Ed Joyce and Michael Yardy hid in the undergrowth and started hissing at him. Then they started chasing him with a length of hosepipe and all the boys laughed.
Everyone is in good spirits going into the game with India on Sunday, except KP. He has been moping around because he was annoyed to not score more runs in the warm-up game and also because he is missing Jessica. Apparently the plan was that she would be coming out to Australia, but she has been offered good money to appear in Panto at the Doncaster Civic Theatre, and she may not be able to come over now. Kevin says he understands that it will be good exposure for her career but I think he’d like her to turn it down, especially as she is only a last minute replacement for Emma Bunton, who is doing Celebrity Big Brother instead.
When he’s in that kind of mood KP always talks about how hard it was for him leaving South Africa and playing for England. When KP wasn’t listening Chris Read said he would sound more English if he lost the ‘I’ in his surname and spelt it Peterson. Quick as a flash Gilo said, “Don’t be silly. There’s no ‘I’ in team, but there is one in Pietersen.” KP asked what we were all laughing about but no one would tell him.
Jimmy A, Jaipur, India (as imagined by the I don’t like Cricket Collective.)
This is, after all, an Ashes countdown blog so I thought that it was time for a bit of serious posting about our preparations for the Ashes with some Champions Trophy chat.
It’s just the Champions Trophy I can hear you saying.. but I think it’s about time our boys put down a marker of our intentions for the winter.
I believe that our performances against the Aussies in the one-dayers and especially in the 20-20 before the Ashes played a fundamental role in creating some doubt in Aussie minds that the Ashes 2005 would be just another walkover. It was good and bad for the confidence of individual players too.
I particularly remember the 1st match in last summer's seemingly never-ending one-day series before the Ashes started, on the day after they had lost to Bangladesh, we beat the Aussies at Bristol with KP in particular smashing the ball everywhere for 90 odd not out in a game that we would have lost in previous years (about 150-160 for 6 chasing 250 I think). I also seem to remember Gillespie and Watson in particular getting smacked around at the end - in Gillespie's case, possibly with a lasting impact for the rest of the summer.
Also, as noted on this blog previously, the Aussies have really been bigging up Shane Watson to be their Freddie equivalent and also probably to take some of the bowling load off McGrath so that he doesn't break down so often during the Ashes. Some possible psychological points to be scored during the Trophy if he gets no runs and goes for plenty.
So I think the Champions Trophy presents a real opportunity for us. We don’t even have to win or beat the Aussies – we have plenty of injuries that will allow us to make excuses. But if Flintoff makes a few more runs or Harmison takes a handful the Aussies will know that we are going to mean business in two months time. Frankly, as well as the prospects of Flintoff and Harmison finding some form, it will just be good to see them playing - regardless of the results, three games will be very useful for them in getting match fit for the Ashes.
(Freddie won't bowl this weekend but here he is looking fighting fit earlier this week....)
Also, people like Anderson and Mahmood might be involved in the Ashes tests - Anderson hasn't played for ages (so the same fitness points could apply) and a good performance from Mahmood might give him a bit more confidence. And even though people like Dalrymple and Yardy aren't in the Ashes squad, they are in the standby squad who will be based in Perth and so a few games won't do them any harm if they get called up later.
Let’s also remember the last Champions Trophy. We beat the Aussies in the semis and I remember Strauss – who had never played them before at that point – getting a 50. Again it was an opportunity to set down a marker about what he intended to do the following summer.
It was a superb innings from Vaughan that really won us that game. His 86 flowing runs followed a wretched run of form in one-day cricket. I repeat - this is a great forum in which players can find a bit of form. Without the pressure that will be there come December.
And after beating the Aussies in the semis I know we lost in poor fashion to the Windies but my point? We could actually win the trophy or feature prominently if a few key players play out of their skins.
So yes, we only thrashed a Rajasthan XI mid week but our performance showed that we could find a few runs this weekend against India and then go on from there. So come on boys. The Ashes trail starts here….
That was certainly a long time ago. Remember David Boon aka The Keg on Legs sinking 52 cans on the flight to England in 1989? Or blonde Shane Warne smoking his way through a series having been paid to advertise anti-smoking chewing gum? Or Rod Marsh, pre-Boon holder of the Sydney to London record? Or Merv Hughes.
Well you can hardly imagine Brett "dolly bird" Lee, being in the same ilk can you. Look at this - humiliated by a small child (well mental of a child anyway).
The Sydney Morning Herald also has an interesting article today with Troy Cooley talking about the art of reverse-swing. I can't help but think that we are going to regret not renewing his contract....
All together now: "Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam. Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam." etc.
According to Tonk, a blogger on the Sydney Morning Herald, there's an e-mail going round that contains the addresses of 12 current and former Aussie cricketers and is being used by England supporters to bombard them with spam.
Whoever came up with the idea has also hacked Stuart McGill's e-mail account and changed his name to Shane Warne. (LOL)
While the IDLCC would in no way condone this kind of juvenile behavior, we have to admit that it is quite funny - we just hope that the Barmy Army doesn't take to throwing tins of the real stuff when the Test Matches start.
I am sat waiting for our innings to start in a friendly game we are playing against Rajasthan.
The boys have put in a good performance but I was gutted not to have a chance to bat. The lads have been asking why I bowl right-handed but bat left handed. I explained that like the golfer Phil Mickelsen I learned to bat by standing across from my dad and mirroring his right-handed batting technique. Back then I wanted to be a proper all rounder - like Chris Lewis - and I would spend all my time practicing my batting stroke in the mirror. Chris Read said that KP spends a lot of time practicing in front of the mirror and all the lads laughed. I didn't really get it. Belly looked confused too.
It can be quite frustrating sitting waiting for a bat. I'm reading the Frank Lampard autobiography, which is really good. He's a very good writer. KP recommended it to me because he sees parallels between the stick that Lampard used to get at West Ham as the assistant manager's son and the hard time that he got when he left South Africa. Apparently KP sent Frank a good luck message before the football boys played last night, but he hasn't heard back from him yet. Some of the other lads are reading the Da Vinci Code, but Belly says that the film is much better and I've got Steven Gerrard's book to get through next.
I'm looking forward to having a bowl this afternoon. I'll probably post again before our first game on Sunday.
Jim Anderson, Jaipur, India (as imagined by the I don't like Cricket collective)
The I don't like Cricket collective has been shamelessly whoring itself around this week and we'd like to welcome all our new readers (you are both very welcome).
Like the Test Match Special team, we'd be delighted if people sent us cakes and cash donations, and we are particularly looking for sponsors to pay for us to get last minute flights (match tickets included) to Australia for the Ashes.
Anyway, so that this post is not just a blatant attempt to blag some freebies, here's another one of our 50 reasons why Australia might lose the Ashes (I can't bring myself to say will lose).
Number 9. Walkabout Pubs
(Anyone who has had the misfortune to wander into a Walkabout will know exactly what I mean...)
Surfing the web recently i came across a site which can only be described as I don't like cricket's spiritual Aussie counterpart. This guy is very funny and very talented (check out the cartoons he does), it's just a shame that he's not English....(only joking John)
Australia’s central bank yesterday announced that inflationary pressures remain on Australia’s faltering economy. This had left many members of England’s Barmy Army wondering whether they may need to re-work the lyrics of their famous 3 dollars to the pound chant before the Ashes series.
Reserve Bank of Australia Governor Glenn Stevens issued an early warning to Barmy Army singers, commenting that they “need to be more alert to the risk of inflation…”
Just think, if we had called them Spouses and Girlfriends they would be SAGs… But that’s not a word that suits lovely Jessica Taylor, fiancee to Kevin Pietersen.
Previously linked to Caprice and Big Brother’s Vanessa Nimmo we knew we could rely on our KP to pull off the celebrity WAG. And although Jessica isn’t quite the party girl that her band mate Michelle Heaton seems to be I’m hoping she can be relied on to help recreate those sooper shots of our girls in Baden-Baden, dancing on tables, clutching a champagne and amaretto cocktail and singing I Will Survive…
Much like the World Cup and Cheryl Cole (née Tweedy) the Ashes come at a great time for Jessica to ensure a lucrative OK Wedding Deal. But a word of warning from The Collective to Miss Taylor. We know you have a career of your own and that you don’t need to borrow Ashley’s, sorry, KP’s plastic when you go shopping but be kind to your other WAGs. We want to ensure your OK Collector’s Edition is packed full of pictures of team mates and WAGs rather than just KP in beige and cream satin.
KP really hittin' Jessica's spot...
Cheryl and Ashley in happier days before they learnt of their wedding outfits and guest list...
England fast bowler, James Anderson, has agreed to write exclusively for this blog as he strives to help England retain the Ashes this Winter. Today he talks about his diary and some of the difficulties of being on tour.
A lot of the lads have signed up to do blogs this winter.
I spoke to Liam Plunkett who is writing one for the BBC, and he suggested that I should think about doing it too. I thought it was a good idea so I mentioned it to my agent and he suggested we approach Sky and Talksport to see if they would be interested.
Sky were quite keen, but apparently Talksport are already in the final stage of negotiations with Jessica from Liberty X. It's a shame. When I first came into the England team I couldn't move for requests for interviews and offers of advertising contracts, but since I've been injured a lot the media doesn't want to know. My agent has suggested having red, white and blue highlights put back into my hair again; I wasn't sure whether he was being serious or not.
Anyway I have just decided to ahead and do my own blog and I will be posting my exclusive thoughts here for the rest of the winter.
We are in Jaipur busy preparing for our first match against India. I was telling the press yesterday how much playing in India last year had improved my game. Some people think that touring the sub-continent is tough, but so far I'm finding it okay. In fairness so are most of the other lads, although Ian Bell has been struggling to sleep because his Mum told him not to touch the water and all he is drinking is Coffee and Tea.
We held a team meeting today and Duncan [Fletcher] told us how important it would be to lay down a marker in the ICC tournament before the Ashes. Alistair Cook made some snide remark about how I must be looking forward to actually bowling at a batsman, instead of practising bowling at a one stump as Troy Cooley had me doing for the last three winters. I just ignored him. He and Chris Read have started calling me 'Manuel'. When I asked them why they just said it was something to do with Fawlty Towers and the fact that I'd be carrying the drinks a lot when we got to Australia.
After the team meeting Belly was complaining about having to share a room with KP [Kevin Pietersen]. Apparently KP just spends his time on the phone to Jessica and Shane Warne and insists that Belly sits and watches re-runs of his century at the Oval last year. Alistair told us that he had read on Pop Bitch that after winning the Ashes last year KP and Simon Jones had gone on holiday to Albufeira and were caught shaving each other's chests. All the lads laughed except Belly who thinks he may still be sharing a room with KP when we get to Australia.
Jimmy A (as imagined by the I don't like Cricket Collective)
Blue and Brown has made a valid point below about former Warwickshire Cricketer and England substitute fielder, Trevor Penney, being the posseser of an awful blonde mullet. So especially for B&B here's a picture of Trevor in his younger days.
Glen McGrath may be our favourite pantomime villain, but there is no doubt he is a cricketing legend and that he has had a tough time in his personal life in recent years.
He and his wife run a charity and call it guilt for the Aussie baiting that goes on in this site, but i have no hesitation in urging readers to check out and maybe support this good cause...
Former Australia captain Allan Border has resigned as an Australian cricket selector for the second time in less than 18 months. Border, who only returned to the selection panel in June, has quit claiming he doesn't have the time to do the job.
The reason for posting this little vignette?
Well apart from the fact that Wes will probably now claim that this is more evidence that the Aussies are buckling under IDLCC pressure, it also allows me to point out the following facts:
1. Alan Border used to have a moustache. Two of the other three selectors, David Boon and Merv Hughes, also famously have moustaches. Thus, until today, 75% of Australian cricket selectors have, or once had, a moustache. By coincidence, according to statistics from the Australian Government 75% of Australians (it doesn't say what proportion are male and female) have or have had moustaches; and
2. According to this website Alan Border is cockney rhyming slang for 'Out of Order', which, as someone who has lived in London all his life (albeit out in the suburbs), i have never heard anyone use.
The Ashes are travelling down under for only their third trip out of Lords since 1882.
A quick message to any thieving Aussie that thinks they might have a pop: They belong to us. Always have, always will. The only reason we are taking them on tour is because we are confident in our future victory.
So Dear Aussie. You remember 12 September 2005? Well a few words I have to say on that: On that day the "body of Australian cricket was cremated and the ashes taken to Australia."
Australia have been handed a major boost with the news that paceman Michael Kasprowicz may miss the start of the Ashes.
Kasprowicz, who replaced the famously injured Glen McGrath in the Second Test at Edgbaston in 2005, will miss the start of the domestic season with a back injury and looks unlikely to be fit for the start of the Ashes.
England fans will be hoping that Mike makes a swift recovery and reclaims his rightful place in Australia's team.
Australian players react to news of Kasprowicz's injury.
IDLC Collective made redundant by Australian implosion
Right. England are the underdogs in this series. Injuries, unsettled team, lots of novices and a Captain who seems to have every job in the team including drinks boy, music co-ordinator, psychologist and dietician.
Then McGrath goes loopy again and predicts 5-0. Now its all very well trying to psych out your opponents, but its got to be credible and after he looked such an idiot when he said that last time, you thought he'd be a bit more moderate in this series... its what politicians call managing expectations, Glenn.
The IDLC Collective was established to undermine Australian confidence and nibble away at their impressive team unity of the past. It looks like they are making us redundant.
Glen McGrath was interviewed in one of yesterday's papers stating that Australia would win the Ashes at the Adelaide Test. That will be the Adelaide Test Glen which is only the second in a five match series.....
50 Reasons Why Australia Will Lose the Ashes - Parts 4 and 5
Reason 4 Jason Donovan
Reason 5 Holly Valance
Let's face it guys. If that's the best musical talent you've got then England can trump you seventeen times over. I've seen Jason in Joseph and the Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat and frankly even Philip Schofield was better. Bloody hell. Also Holly's only song - Kiss Kiss - was ripped off Turkish 'superstar' Tarkan (that's him in the photo, by the way, not Jason Donovan in his latest makeover).
I've been checking statcounter and we've been getting visitors to this site from all sorts of strange places, including someone this morning from Holland (who presumably has chanced across us in a drug-fuelled haze).
To our reader in Holland I say this:
Onthaal aan houd ik van geen veenmol. Glen McGrath is juiste bastaard.
I've just remembered something else from last night. Sky Sports News, which was on in the pub, was showing footage of the England team leaving, presumably, to go to the ICC Tournament. They had footage of Ashley Giles about to board the team coach and at that moment something awful occurred to me: I think England are going to drop Monty Panesar and recall Giles for the Ashes.
Please God let it not be true, but everyone knows that Duncan Fletcher has his reservations about Monty's batting and fielding, and I just have a terrible gut feeling they will go for Giles if they are only playing one spinner.
Don't get me wrong, Giles is a decent multi-functional cricket who played an important role in 2005, but we have waited years for a decent England spinner to come along and now we have one it would be madness not to play him.
I meant to start this thread four days ago. But I didn't.
We are into the final countdown; the last 50 days (well 46 now). So its time to ramp up the pyschological warfare (and that doesn't mean take Ramps away from Strictly Come Dancing).
So everyday for the next 50 (46 now) days I will illustrate a non-cricketing reason why Australia is rubbish and England will retain the Ashes. So here's three to start with.
Reason 1 Why Australia Will Lose The Ashes Only 12 people live in Australia. They have spent the last 30 years dealing with their inferiority complex and dominating World Sport. They are now content with their domination, lazy and contented. They've lost the hunger.
Reason 2 Why Australia Will Lose The Ashes Sons and Daughters. Neighbours. Flying Doctors. Home and Away. Prisoner Cell Block H. Round the Twist. There is so much good TV on over there that they will be concentrating on that instead of us.
Reason 3 Why Australia Will Lose The Ashes The didgerdoo. It makes Morris Dancers and their tamborines look like an intellectual contribution to music.
To the pub last night with a couple of the IDLC collective and others. Among the many drunken conversations was a discussion about the Brian Lara-inspired Warwickshire side of the mid-90s.
We were trying to remember the name of the Warwickshire bowler who, like Martin Bicknell at Surrey, took loads of wickets in country cricket, played for England, was rubbish, and then went back to country cricket and took loads more wickets.
I find it extremely frustrating when I can remember everything about someone except their name; and i have often spent whole evenings working myself into a frenzy trying to remember. Thankfully last night wasn't that bad - we realized it was Tim Munton - until I began trying to remember the name of another player in that Warwickshire side who I could only describe as, "that blonde South African fella, who was a brilliant fielder, rubbish at everything else and wasn't Jonty Rhodes". The name finally came to me when lying in bed this morning: Trevor Penney. Thus this post is a self-indulgent exercise in catharsis.
Addendum: I had forgotten, but Trevor Penney was actually one of the substitute fielders that so wound up Ricky Ponting during the last Ashes...
The Sydney Morning Herald is having a debate about who should replace New Age Cricket coach, John Buchanananananann when he retires. Join the debate here
Shane is a fine man, great bowler and basically English given his hatred of John Buchanan. However, he can also quite successfully make himself look a complete fool.
Remember when the News of the World stung him having a threesome? No. Well watch and learn.
I am generally scared by people who post movies of themselves on YouTube but I'm thinking of asking these two nutters to be our official Cheer Leaders. (Mind you I would be wary of letting a certain unnamed, and currently highly-sexed, member of the I don't like Cricket collective anywhere near them... )
Glen McGrath has been taking the piss out of Monty Panesar for seeing a psychologist to help him deal with any taunts from the crowds in Australia.
"If he's seeing a psychologist already, then I think it's a bit premature and a bit ridiculous," McGrath told 2KY Radio.
He's probably got a point if the truth is told, but given his previous record (as Rich points out in the post above), I'm more than happy for him to keep on shooting his mouth off - especially if he's giving interviews to a radio station named after a sex lubricant.
As we know that Gilly is going to be taken some time off from his sledging, the IDLCC thought it would be useful to show how effective this form of psychological warfare can be.
If our captain can come up with a couple of gems like these displayed against the Windies, I fancy our chances of out sledging the Aussies. Enjoy.
I have been trying to come up with a pun involving Bouncer the Dog - from Australiansoap Neighbours - and "a Bouncer" - the colloquial term for a short-pitched cricket delivery. (Hopefully you can see what i am doing here..)
Unfortunately I am feeling even less funny than usual so I am asking readers for their suggestions for this 'hilarious' joke. Answers on a postcard to:
I don't like Cricket, P.O. Box 21, Pigeon Street (where pigeons meet), London.
(In the meantime here's a picture of the lovable pooch pinning for Helen Daniels)
I have a real bee in my bonnet at the moment about the dumbing down of journalistic standards at the BBC.
I know from professional experience that journalists are lazy. But in my view the BBC should be a beacon for journalistic professionalism and originality. Why the f*ck, therefore, did a hack at BBC online feel the need to ask former England footballer Terry Butcher to comment on whether Monty Panesar is likely to get stick from the Australian crowds this winter?
As far as I can tell the only reason is because he is: a) English; b) Sort of famous; and c) In Australia.
By the same logic Joanne Lees is quite famous (google her if you don't know who she is) and she has spent a lot of time in Oz recently, so they could just have easily asked her.
For the record, cricket expert Butcher has this to say on the matter of Monty abuse: "I certainly don't think there will be any level of animosity."
The guy who runs a sort of Australian equilavent to our site has a different take on the whole thing here
(I'd quite like to get this guy to post on this site so we can get the view from Oz, but I can't seem to contact him. If anyone else can, can you point him in our direction???)
Stephen L. has an interesting (serious) post on his site reporting that the Australia are considering picking all-rounder Shane Watson for their Ashes team. Not only is this good news for the England team but it's also good news for all you He-Man/Cricket lookalike fans out there as it has inspired my latest effort:
He-Man ("I have the power!")
Shane Watson ("I have a test average of 20!")
It also gives me an excuse to post this genuine picture of some Scandinavians dressed up in their back garden like He-Man and She-Ra...
Oh yes, the post all you avid cricket fans have been waiting for...
Following the antics of Posh, Coleen and co. in Germany, and the media coverage dedicated to them, it only seems right that I Don't Like Cricket should preview the England Cricketers' wives and girlfriends. Rightly or wrongly our boys have been given permission to take their partners down under but on the condition that they, like their men, are careful what they do and say on tour. I for one am sure they will perfect ambassadors for England, Gucci and Robert Calvalli...
Leading the way will be the Captain's missis Rachel. With two young children, a history of posing for Hello, courting controversy for post pregnancy weight loss and a taste for the little black dress she fufils many Chief-WAG criteria. And with Mrs Beckham's star on the wane the winter provides Mrs Flintoff with a fabulous opportunity to showcase her talents.
Easy V doesn't come for free, she's a real lady, as for Rachel, ah we'll see....
The manifesto of the I Don't Like Cricket Collective
Some people have questioned the purpose of this blog so we have decided to produce a short statement on our aims and ambitions.
The Manifesto of the I Don't Like Cricket Collective
We don't like cricket. We love it.
Cricket is the highest form of sport. It is a game of the deepest strategy with moments of huge tension. But it can be a game of utter ridiculousness and farce as well. The fact that a Test can last five days and still be drawn is a strength - a sign of its complexity - not a weakness.
Cricket is the perfect spectator sport. Engage in the game; don't engage in the game. It's your choice. Read the paper, have a drink, chat to your friends, don't worry - the boring bit will be over soon. And then you will be captivated by the game again.
All of these are reasons why we love cricket. But they are not the reasons for this website. The most highly anticipated sporting confrontation in decades will begin in Brisbane on 23 November.
As proud England fans we know our side is the underdog. We take a relatively inexperienced team with a number of injuries. But we want to back our men down under and we want play our part to help them to victory. We are a collective: we will live together and we will die together.
Across the internet thousands of people are discussing the cricketing aspects of this series - we may even stray into that ourselves from time to time. But what we say will probably not add to the greater sum of human knowledge.
So the purpose of this website is to weaken, undermine, cajole and anger the Australian team and their supporters. We will do all we can do highlight and strengthen England's finest but our main target wears green and gold, not red, white and blue.
Call us pompous. Call us arrogant. Call us tossers. But in our own little way that is what we want to do.
Ask not what your team can do for you, ask what you can do for your team. Join the I Don't Like Cricket Collective.
I have taken some stick for stupidly leaving Darren Gough out of my England Ashes Dream XI. Suffice to say Goughie should and would be in that team so I would have to dispense with the services of Dean Headley.
Anyway as promised/threatened I've had a go at doing a Nightmare XI (Remember these are players who have played since I have been following the Ashes since '93) :
Openers: Mark Lathwell and Michael Atherton.
It's funny how things stay in your mind. During the '93 series - during the long summer between doing my GSCE's and A-levels - I remember 'hanging' out down the park (probably drinking Thunderbirds no doubt) and hearing that the England 2nd wicket partnership was doing well during the second innings of the third test. There had been a lot of hype in the run-up to the Test because a few players were making their England debuts. One of those players (I think) was Mark Lathwell. He and Robin Smith put on 89 runs (Lathwell scoring 33 of them) and I clearly remember thinking that Lathwell would go on to be a good player for England.
How wrong I proved to be.
Lathwell struggled with nerves, lasted two games and was dropped. England got hammered in that series and Lathwell's career never recovered. Thus for briefly getting my hopes up as a naive 16-year old, Mark Lathwell is being punished by being the first name on my Nightmare XI.
You might think that Athers is a harsher choice, but he gets in my team for the following reasons: 1. Getting run out for 99 against Australia; 2. For declaring in the Sydney in '95 when Graham Hick was two short of a century; 3. (Obviously) for being McGrath's bunny; and 4. For supporting Man Utd. (the most heinous crime of all).
At No.3 I've gone for Ian Ward. Good county player; rubbish Test Player. Quit game early to pursue broadcasting career....need I say more?
Middle order: Matthew Maynard. Welsh. Rubbish.
Mike Gatting. Bizarrely selected to tour in 94-95 when nearly 40 (stone). Will always be remembered for being the man who launched Shane Warne's Test Career.
My Wicket Keeper would be Warren Hegg (with an honourable mention to Steve Rhodes). The fact that I only remembered Hegg had even played for England when I was doing some research for one of my earlier posts says it all really. Two matches. 7.50 average.
My all-rounder would have to be Mark Ealham. In fairness I checked his averages and they're not bad. Batting average of 21, 17 wickets at less than 30. But I just remember him for being a bit fat and a bit crap.
Continuing the rotund theme, my first bowler is Jimmy Ormond. 2 Test Wickets at over 90 and chucked out of the team for being overweight, Ormond's only real contribution to the England cause was a famous comeback to some Aussie sledging:
Mark Waugh [to Ormond coming out to bat]: "What are you doing out here, there's no way you're good enough to play for England.
Ormond: Maybe not, but at least I'm the best player in my family."
Quality line, but Waugh was still right.
Sharing the new ball with Ormond in my Nightmare XI is Chris Silverwood. Now one of the I don't like Cricket collective actually grew up with Silverwood, but this doesn't get away from the fact that he wasn't very good and had less of a neck than Gladstone Small.
My first change bowler is Mark Ilott. Ilott made his debut in the same game as Lathwell and frankly he didn't do much better.
Finally my spinner is Richard Dawson. Still only 26, Dawson was a classic example of a player who made his debut too early and was palpably out of his depth. Recently released by Yorkshire, it will be interesting to see if he ever makes it back.
So there it is - my personal Ashes Donkeys XI. In fairness to this lot they did have the misfortune of coming up against possibly the greatest generation of Australian players ever. But some of these guys were patently not up to playing international cricket and it’s a sad reflection of the mess that English cricket has been in at times over the last 15 years that they got anywhere near the Test side. If I've missed anyone I'm sure people will let me know...
The incredible sleeping Ponting may well have been sharing a bed with one-time wonder keeper, Adam Gilchrist. Both have decided to take some time off from the DLF tournament because they are too tired. Didums.
But Gilly has been heard talking in his sleep by The Australian and it seems the man who invented cricket's most popular catchphrase ("Bowlin' Warney") is less keen on fellow ageing former "saviour of Australian cricket".
"No-one particularly enjoys criticism of their character or abilities but knowing John the way I've got to know him, he'd almost take it as a compliment that there were many varying opinions of him," "At least he's got people thinking. He's created thought and discussion. That's what he's about." "He doesn't tell us how to do something or what to do; he challenges us to tell him. He gets players thinking beyond the basic 'hit the ball, catch the ball, bowl the ball'. "In that, particularly at the elite level, we can often overcomplicate things. "Undoubtedly there have been times when that's happened, but John has always been there for players to go to and talk to openly and listen to the players and reassess how it's going." Gilchrist has no doubt that Buchanan has made an enormous impact on the team during his seven-year reign, despite last year's sometimes shambolic Ashes loss. "Some of his methods did confuse some players and I'm sure there are players over time who haven't taken well to the way he works and that's fine - we're all different people."
So that makes sense, then Buchanan confuses things... but Warne's wrong too.
Somewhere in South London in the Summer of 2006 the I Don't Like Cricket Collective was formed. Their sole purpose: to go underground and win the Ashes for England. Now the IDLCC is in deep cover behind enemy lines preparing the ground for an historic victory. Join the collective: you have nothing to lose but your wicket.
Apparently last year VB Beer ran a marketing campaign based on a 'talking' plastic figurine of walrus-like Aussie cricket legend David Boon (I kid you not).
Mitchell Johnson is a stupid name. So are Brad Hogg and Mike Hussey.
Patrick at The Times reports that the pitch at Bombay will be covered in glue before the match between New Zealand and Sri Lanka tomorrow.
Stuck on a bus on the Kings Road this evening I could have sworn that a TV in a pub window I passed was showing that Australia were 9-wickets down against the Windies.
Our pal JC reports that Australian cricket Coach John "Ned Flanders" Buchanan has once again employed the latest technology in his ongoing crusade to push back the boundaries of sporting performance. His latest innovation is the use of GPS satellite tracking systems to track the movement of his players during games.
According to Tonk, a blogger on the Sydney Morning Herald, there's an e-mail going round that contains the addresses of 12 current and former Aussie cricketers and is being used by England supporters to bombard them with spam.
Australia’s central bank yesterday announced that inflationary pressures remain on Australia’s faltering economy. This had left many members of England’s Barmy Army wondering whether they may need to re-work the lyrics of their famous 3 dollars to the pound chant before the Ashes series.
