30 November 2006

A challenge to Ricky and Yousef

I used to go to school with someone called Dave Bradman, so whenever I hear someone being described as 'Bradmanesque' I automatically think it's because they are particularly adept at bum slides in the showers after PE (It was a Catholic boys school so say no more.)

However there is no doubt that the current batting form of Ricky Ponting and Mohammed Yousef, both of whom are averaging around 99 this year, is nothing short of brilliant and on a par with anything that the Don himself could have have mustered.

However despite their current brilliance, neither Ricky or Mo have yet faced the ultimate challenge - namely facing my bowling.

I have been practicing my legspin bowling in the office with a foam stress ball, using one of the cupboards as the wicket and I have to say my current form is nothing short of brilliant. So if either of them want to really prove their world class credentials i am today throwing down the gaunlet. Let me know and i'll book the indoor nets at the Tolworth leisure centre and then let's get it on!

P.S. Not sure whether I'm going to blog tonight, but if we lose the toss the series is over!

I love the bookies


You can get 5-1 against Steve Harmison's first delivery tonight being called a wide.....

Adelaide Selection Conundrum - pt 1





Adelaide Selection Conundrum - pt 2





Adelaide Selection Conundrum - pt 3

29 November 2006

Choose your Cheese wisely

While my fellow Collective members are focusing on serious matters, such as Glen McGrath and Michael Vaughan's fitness, I feel the need to talk about something vastly more important: Namely what cheese I will be eating on Friday night, when I settle down to watch the game.

Regular readers will recall that I was criticized for eating Brie on Thursday night rather than a patriotic English cheese. And in an effort to redress the balance I went out and bought some Cheddar, which I wolfed down on Friday night accompanied by some Hovis biscuits and half a tube of Pringles.

Looking to Friday night my choice is therefore twofold: Go for the something English, like a nice Red Leicester (perhaps on toast), or my preferred option of a Danish Blue or Leerdammer.

What should I do? Your thoughts please people...

Stating the obvious...

Tony Greig has managed to state the bleeding obvious and repeat what The Collective pointed out weeks ago about Troy Cooley. Remember that you read it here first.

Cooley himself had some particularly supportive comments for Harmy yesterday "Three years ago he was number one in the world".

Pop Quiz: When was the last time a side won a test by only taking 10 wickets?

Pop Quiz 2: When was the last time a side bounced back from a terrible defeat in the first of back-to-back tests?

Does it really all start again tomorrow night...

Old man in can't walk shock news


Quick update: McGrath has missed bowling practice today due to his sore heel.

Remember three things:
1) Brett Lee bowled crap in the first test
2) We lost the first test humiliatingly at Lords in the last Ashes series
3) Their most penetrating bowling was McGrath.

Time for an end to the panic and navel-gazing. I think we've got this series in the bag.

Especially for Katie, here is a very reassuring picture of Michael Vaughan (my lord) batting again. (we'll ignore the fact that he got a 7-ball duck).

26 November 2006

Errol Brown believes in miracles...



..but even he thinks there's no chance of England holding out for a draw later on. At least Pietersen and Collingwood have restored some pride and we can be a bit more optimistic going into the next game.

Is it cowardly to pray for an out of control bushfire?



There must be at least one drongo with a match out there.

Let's keep our heads over Harmy


A lot of cricket fans in Blighty have felt angry, let down, and simply embarrassed by England's start to this Ashes series. But, while there has been plenty to criticise, both in terms of on the pitch performances and off the pitch preparations, some of the critical outpourings, in the press and on the blogs, have been thoughtlessly over the top, or just plain deluded.

Richard William's piece in the Guardian, "Harmison must shape up or be shipped out", was a case in point. Williams here launched into a virtual character assassination, suggesting that Harmison has always been keen to use the excuse of an injury to duck out of matches, and that he has technical deficiencies which mark him down as a bowler and will probably never be rectified. He concluded his article:
Thanks not least to his own deficiencies in the first innings, Harmison is unlikely to get another chance to bowl in this match. So before the second Test
next Thursday he should be given a series of thorough work-outs in the nets, and
then told to go out and perform like a champion. England will need a result in
Adelaide if they are to salvage anything from this tour. And if Harmison cannot
help them provide it then he should be given the permission he has sought in the
past, and sent home.

Why didn't you headline it "Barmy Harmy", and have done with it, Richard?

On the same theme, in the Observer today, Rod Marsh - in a generally excellent article - argued that Harmison's selection was a farce, and that if he wasn't fit for the last warm up match, he shouldn't have played in the First Test. On another blog I even read a cock-eyed Durham fan claim that Harmison was never any good, and that Plunkett could out-bowl him any day. And that Plunkett & Macleane was the best film of the last 20 years.

It's understandable why people should feel exasperated by Harmison. Yes, he should be able to apply better control than he's managed so far, even without much cricket behind him. But it was entirely right he was picked for Brisbane, and equally right that he should be picked for Adelaide. Here's why:

1) Harmison is our main strike bowler. If we are to stand a chance of victory, he has to have a good series. He's so vital to us - especially on these wickets - we have to take a punt on him.

2) There is no alternative. It's not as if by dropping Harmy we'd solve our bowling problems. I'm not sure how many people have noticed but Anderson's figures for the First Test (1-195) are even worse than Harmison's (1-177). Anderson's international record is nothing compared to Harmison's, and what's more, as a swing bowler he's less suited to Australian conditions. His control has never yet been consistently test-level (though he's undoubtedly talented, and could simply do with more cricket). And there's a very good reason why Sajid and Plunkett aren't in the team. For all his promise, Sajid sprays it around too much. Of all our bowlers, he's the one who's disappeared to all parts in ODIs the worst. Plunkett has looked decent, but lacking in real penetration.

3) This alternative strategy, whereby we drop Harmison and rustle up some up state games for him to practice in while the rest of the team plays the Second Test, is just half-baked. This is really a better way to get his confidence up? Getting demoted, and pitched in with a makeshift team of squad members and Academy players (and Chris Read's really going to exude happy vibes), while his teammates play a real game? It's not as if the media would ignore the match he was playing in.

4) He'll still be our main strike bowler next year. Dropping Harmison now - or even worse, sending him home as Richard Williams suggests - would destroy his confidence for a whole season, maybe for good.

So: we've got to stick with him. He will get better. How much, we don't know. But the whole team is going to get better. It already is. The odds are overwhelmingly that we're going to get beat in this series, and probably by a big margin. That's no disgrace - Australia have selected better players than they did in 2005, while we've lost key players and form through injury. The important thing now is that the squad don't panic, and the fans don't turn on them.

25 November 2006

Cheese at the ready

The Cheddar and Hovis biscuits are at the ready, but I am too drunk to do anything other than the most cursory attempts at posting.

My thoughts about tonight? I've already written this match off and as far as I am concerned I hope some of our batsmen get some time at the crease either in this innings or after following-on.

The Convicts may be on the verge of winning this particular skirmish, but there's still a long way to go in the war....

24 November 2006

Reasons to be cheerful?


I'm not sure this is a reason to be cheerful, but after last night's performance someone has just said to me: "Well at least we'll get our England back."

I don't know whether that means we'll get back to the usual state of misery, middle-order collapses and low expectations (that in all honesty we should have been occupying since the India / Pakistan tour last year). Or does he mean that all the Ashes fans will suddenly whither away and it will just be the same 40 people at Lords next summer who go every year.

Either way, its a depressing prospect, not something to be cheerful about. That's why I've given a very cheering and non-cricket picture to accompany this post (that's Mr Cheerful, by the way).

Live blogging from my bed

Well while Steve is having chedder inspired dreams tonight, you have me tonight... at least until I eventually doze off.

Apparently the pitch has cracks that can get beefy's sausage fingers down them. Warne must be rubbing his hands with glee. And sources close to Test Match Special tell me that KP has been out turning the King of Spain in the nets today. Oh dear. Time for a bit of PMA.

01.27 - And now a massive first ball appeal for caught behind from Fred to Clark. Not out -scraped the pad on the way over. Followed by a bouncer. Fred is bowling like a legend. Who else is in the game? I'm going to bed for sure now. Good night from all at the Collective. See you in the morning.
01.26 - I was just about to say I'm going to bed, then Flintoff bowls Hussey for 86. 407-4. Well there you go. Still on the back foot but at least I can sleep knowing that we have made some progress. The reason I plan to go to bed is because TMS has descended into discussions about pies. I've got a meeting at 10.30 so I want some high quality cricket, not a second-rate meat pie.
01.14 - Ball takes off from a good length. Surely Punter is out? Not given. Hmmm... Lots of staring between Fred and Ponting. This is a little scary. There must be some tasty cracks opening up down there.
01.12 - For those interested in the cricket, the 200 partnership has just come up. Bill Frindell says this is the highest fourth wicket partnership for australia against england in australia.
01.01 - Radio 4 listeners have just returned from the Shipping Forecast. What a weird little thing that is. Today we've got the internet. Sattelite communications. Radio phones. Digital Radio. The whole shebang, but all transmissions on Radio 4 have to be interuppted for someone to tell you about the visibility from a remote, unmanned buoy in the middle of the North Sea. I bet it has no useful purpose anymore, its just the nostalgia of Radio 4 listeners that keep it alive.
In the meantime it is also drinks break and Hussey and Ponting are looking excellent. Time to bring on KP and Dusty Bin.
12.45 - I've been fairly clear about my views on Geoffrey Boycott on this site, but at last he's come on to TMS to speak some sense. Harmy is blowing very hot and very cold and at last someone is saying it. It is not acceptable to be so inconsistent at the top of your profession. And only Geoffrey is saying that while all the others are sympathising with him. We demand more, Stephen. Punter, meanwhile, has just got his 150 of 235 balls.
12.29 - The end of Harmy's first over and the Collective have gone into text overload. First ball wide from the man battered Australia in 2005. Second ball beautiful. Third ball wide to almost second slip again. Fred has to adminster mental surgery to Harmy from mid-off instead of the cordon. I'm thinking that that I should be looking for things on the internet that should help me sleep rather than drive me insane. Where is the wicket going to come from?
12.12 - I'm listening to 5Live extra. There is something wrong. Jeff Thomson is saying that the aussies want England to do well yesterday and is all a bit flat. Fuck off. Don't patronise us!
12.08 - big appeal against Hussey. Only the aussies think it took an inside edge. Ball is swinging round like a banana. Surely it can't be long before Anderson trips over and does a Simon Jones.
12.03 - First over. Five off it. Aussies reach their 350. Anderson on to bowl. Harmy must be wishing he was in the Gallowgate End right now.
12.01 - Hoggy manages to send the first two balls down for dots. Thank the lord!

23 November 2006

Cheese



Having been stung by comments below about the unpatriotic nature of my cheese choice last night I have today bought a great big lump of Cheddar and a packet of Hovis biscuits. Unfortunately they will have to keep until tomorrow night because an important work meeting is likely to curtail my late night cricket viewing and indeed any blogging. I confidently predict that England will have a better day today, if only because they can't get any worse....

Harmison. Unplayable.

No fear. I don't mean unplayable as in that first ball last night. I mean Steve Harmison on fire. Okay so Geoffrey says that he "seems to have lost it". And okay so every tv interview ever done with Harmy proves he is the most nervous man in cricket. But this site is dedicated to spurring England on to victory! And so I give you Steve Harmison at his most unplayable.



The Collective will keep their heads whilst all about us are losing theirs.. We will trust Harmison when all others doubt... And make no allowance for their doubting too!

Very disappointed

I have just woken up and i have to say I am very disappointed. Not so much with England but with my own performance. Thanks to a combination of too much food and alcohol, I was absolutely sparko by lunch last night. And although i woke up throughout the night the game was going so depressingly that it was hardly worth staying awake for. I really am going to have to raise my game.

While we gather our thoughts...

...it was a long night. But just the first of 25.

Do not get downhearted. If they can get that many on this pitch then so can we - come on that is why Fletch picked Grunt and Gilo.

But if it is all too much for you and you want to rediscover your Australian relatives and apply for citizenship we will not denounce you as a traitor quite yet.

The Collective even has a little tool to help you find what name you will have to adopt when you journey south. Click HERE to generate a random aussie name.

Reasons to be cheerful part II

1. We lost the First Test of the last series, too.

Er... that's it.

22 November 2006

Live blogging from my sofa

We will be posting our random thoughts here tonight/this morning as long as i manage to stay awake. If you want proper cricket commentary bugger off to Cricinfo or the BBC. If you want to read random nonsense (which will get more bizarre as i get drunker and more tired), this is the place to be.

2.20 Just had a lovely little snooze can feel my bed calling. Back later if i can wake up!!!

1.30 Just dropping off and then bingo. Hayden goes!

1.20 Struggling now. Me that is, not England. Barmy Army strikes up.

12.52. A little better from England. Freddie bowling is overdue. Pringles + Brie + Beer + late night = indigestion

12.25 Oh dear. Terrible start. Harmison off after just a few overs. Anderson's first over goes for 10. Australia have thrown down the gaunlet.

12.01 Harmison bowling. Are those the two worst ever opening balls in Ashes history..?

Midnight: Here we go...

11.52 Nice looking girl singing the English national anthem. A fat All-Saint tribute band sings the Australian one (which is much better than our dirge).

11.36 Oh dear. Australia to bat. Sky fuck up the announcement.

11.33 Toss coming up. My prediction? England win toss, bat, post 600 and win the Test within three days.

11.20 Tonight i shall mostly be snacking on Pringles and Brie and drinking Carlsberg Export. I am still in shock about the decision to drop Panesar. Sorry Duncan i think you've made a mistake this time. Hope i'm wrong.

11PM So this is it, less than an hour to go. Sky's commentary begins. Gower, Botham and Hussain all wearing shirts from Primark. I'm so excited i'm almost moist. Bumble looks like he's about to explode. Giles or Panesar? Fucking Giles!!!! No!!!!!!

Tait released?

Hope he's on parole, bloody convict.

Brisbane for £899 Return?














Anyone with money to spare could catch the 21.45 from Heathrow this evening and be in Brisbane in time for the start of Day 2...

Just in case you are regretting the decision that it was too expensive to go... Or it wouldn't be that exciting...

Of course I'm sure The Collective's decision to rely on test match special (coverage starts 11.30pm tonight I think...) was the right one.

B*gger.

A no-brainer

Okay, so you're the England coach and captain and you've got to make a choice between two spinners.

Do you go for a young, exciting and attacking spinner who has already proved to be a match-winner in his short Test career? Or do you go for a journey man cricketer who hasn't played a first-class game for over a year and will, at best, just tighten an end up?

It's obvious isn't it? Well not if if the Evening Standard is to be believed.

I'm so excited...


...That I am going to deviate from my usual Aussie baiting to actually talk about the issues.

We are British so it is in our mentality to do ourselves down, be phlegmatic and lack genuine confidence and assertiveness so I think it is worth bearing in mind the following points.

1) We are the holders of the Ashes. Because. We. Deserve. It.
2) In the run up to the last series we had a huge debate about KP vs Thorpe. This year's Monty vs Gilo debate is just the same. Once we get going we will be fine.
3) Ian Bell has become the great Test batsman we all expected him to become.
4) Never forget the first morning of the first Test - Ponting bleeding, Harmy hitting them. Harmison wants this. (And if you can't remember, I urge you all to read the Guardian's OBO coverage which I can no longer find online but is available in book form here)
5) Remember your nervousness on the morning of 12 September 2005, but also remember your inner confidence that we were not going to blow it. And remember what it felt like to be singing Jerusalem in your office as play started.
6) Remember that without Shane Warne they were rubbish last time round (40 wickets and some innings' saving batting). Shane is a year older and fatter. And apparently has got his flipper going again (so that would be the one that doesn't do anything).
7) Glenn McGrath is about 75 years old now and hasn't played for nearly a year.
8) Shane Watson is out.
9) Shaun Tait has been dropped.

And most importantly
10) Andrew Flintoff is the Greatest Living Englishman.

See you at Midnight around a radio or TV.

Signed
The Collective.

Gabba Gabba Hey

Or Reasons to be Cheerful – Part I

Sporting dread… Everyone’s familiar with it. I used to get it on various occasions at school… When contemplating being forced to do “The Chellinge”, as our swimming teacher used to call it, in a sort of Edwardian sergeant-major styley – swimming through underwater hoops in pyjamas, that kind of thing, then getting back to the changing room and finding someone had put a giant dead cockroach in your pants. Or gymnastics, where we were supposed to risk breaking our necks by doing some kind of handspring somersault over a vaulting horse, before having Mr Xxxxx, a notorious stickler for male adolescent hygiene, wander into the showers to “make sure we were washing ourselves properly”. Or indoor hockey with some mixed ability group of psychopaths: it says everything about the “sport” and everything about the psychopaths that this was their favourite lesson.

You know the feeling. The suppressed horror as the calendar rolls round to the appointed day, the queasiness in the stomach. Then the moment itself, when you can’t put it off but you still try your best, by turning yourself into a zombie and mentally drifting off to somewhere else, somewhere safer…

Thus it has been for the last three times an England team went to Brisbane. (I don’t count 1990 – we hadn’t had the hope ground out of us then.) Never mind the fans, this was the team. Nasser Hussein suffered a particularly bad case of it last time round. Having won the toss (practically the first time an England captain had actually won the toss in any match since Graham Gooch’s tenure), he was so scared of being skittled out by tea he put the Aussies in. Fate then rewarded him for his defeatism by breaking Super Simon Jones’s leg. Like Anthony Eden will always be remembered for Suez, Nasser Hussein will always be remembered for Brisbane.

No such worries this time round. Freddie Flintoff doesn’t know the meaning of the word defeatism. (In truth, Marcus Trescothick probably doesn’t, literally. But I shouldn’t kick him when he’s down. We love you, Tres.) Whatever happens, this team will compete.

21 November 2006

Jimmy's Diary - Highs and Lows

It's all been a bit of a whirl since I last posted and I've definitely experienced mixed emotions in that time. Obviously I was thrilled to get the nod for the Test team, but that has been tempered by the news that Ian Bell may miss the match after I hit him in the nets. I was truly gutted because Belly is a good mate and it wasn't helped by Chris Read asking why I couldn't have injured Geraint Jones instead. I'm keeping my fingers crossed, but knowing Belly I'm sure he will be okay.

Obviously since my last blog the big news had been Marcus Trescothick's departure - which was a real shock to the system. Touring is definitely a stressful business. The first indication we had that something might be wrong was when he kept on calling everyone Keith. After that Colly apparently found him sat in his room holding a hair dryer to his head and humming the theme tune to Howard's Way. [Editor's note. Joking aside, get well soon Marcus we need you]. Even then we thought that he'd be okay and it's a definite blow to lose a player as influential and good as he is.

We had a team meeting about how to handle the abuse we are likely to get from the Aussie crowd. Obviously the focus has been on Monty, who everyone thinks is likely to cop a lot of stick. He's seems to be handling the pressure well, but Cookie reckons he's developed a nervous tic and has been heard screaming in his room in the middle of the night. I'm sure he'll be okay.

Duncan [Fletcher], let the lads out over the weekend for a well-earned break before the real work begins. A few of us ended up in a bar where we attracted a fair bit of attention, especially from women wanting to know if we could introduce them to Simon Jones. There was a bit of stick from the Aussie lads, but it was all good natured and all the boys joined in the singing when they played Down Under by Men at Work. One of the girls told us that under their licensing terms all Australian bars have to play that song at some point during the night. I thought this was very patriotic and its a shame that we don't do something similar with our national anthem at home.

Anyway, I'll post later in the week.

Jimmy, Brisbane, Australia. As imagined by the I don't like Cricket Collective.

Brisbane Episode I: A New Hope



For your viewing pleasure, and to calm any last minute nerves brought on by the latest injury scare, here is Beefy smashing Merv Hughes for 22 in an over on his way to a match-winning innings the last time we triumphed in Brisbane.

The time for being negative is gone! So what if we lose Belly and his average of 47.66 to injury! What is Ed Joyce (sp?) in the squad for! It's time to get excited and feel confident we will pick the right team! Of course we'll play Monty!

Further research on the Gabba pitch reveals it is apparently the second fastest in Oz, after the Perth assault cours. Shane Warne likes it because it also has plenty of bounce (insert own inflatable gag here) so, it should help Harmison if he's fit and can hit the cut part of the wicket now and again...

Also something about rotating feet, studs and the wiry-grass means Simon Jones-esque injuries are not uncommon... Here's hoping Glenn McGrath is out playing touch-rugby as you read...

Russell Crowe = Tw*t

The BBC has an interview in which cricket-loving and Australian-supporting actor Russell Crowe predicts that his team will comfortably retain the Ashes.

Rusty warns the England team that they are in for "so much pain baby" and "facing the tiger whose tail you've been pulling."

His enthusiasm for the Australian team is surprising however: He is from New Zealand.

(Interestingly, in his film A Beautiful Mind, Crowe plays a delusional schizophrenic. A case of life imitating art perhaps?)





Picture Note: This is not Russell Crowe. This is a professional Russell Crowe lookalike called Andy Law. Andy is available for hire and can be contacted here.

Australians are crap

Having established that Australia have nothing on one day cricket compared to a pair of 14 year olds in India, I now move on to my main theme of the weak: Australians on an individual level are also incredibly crap.

Watson's out; we know that.

But today 24 year old Ian Thorpe announced his retirement because of "injury and fatigue" and because he has apparently lost his motivation. That is the kind of weak-willed, lilly-livered patheticness that each and every member of the Australian exhibits in their own special way.

Can I re-emphasise the point: HE IS 24 YEARS OLD.

At the age of 24 my finely tuned body had never been injured and I didn't know the meaning of fatigue.

The Ashes are ours.

Bring on Brisbane.

Watson out

It's been confirmed this morning that Shane Watson is out of the First Test. This is a massive blow for Australia: not only is Watson one of their best players (and was 18 months ago - the Aussie selectors were mad not to pick him for the last Ashes series), but his selection allows the Aussies to pick five bowlers. Now the likelihood is they'll only be going in with four - McGrath, Lee, Warne, and ? Not sure, but Watson not being there presumably means it's more likely they'll go for Clark than one of the tearaway quicks. All round, this sounds like a much more comfortable attack for the English batsmen.

Only shame is that Watson's out with a hamstring rather than a dodgy tummy. Otherwise the diagnosis could have been - "Alimentary Watson".

Still, with Ian Bell an injury worry, the Aussie press could always retaliate with "Bell Clapped Out".

- This was my first post, and with quality headlines like that, I know you're already looking forward to my last. Sorry, next.

20 November 2006

Final preparations



So this is it then. Only two days to go until the fun and games begin and I have to say I am VERY excited.

Like the players I have spent the last few days in intense preparation for the series. All the dates of the matches have gone into my Outlook diary and, much to the chagrin of my boss, I have saved loads of holiday to take between now and the end of the year, starting on Thursday.

I've also been brushing up on my technique for calling in sick:

"[Muffled, pathetic voice] Hello it's me [cough, cough], yeah I know I sound terrible [Sniffle], I might be a little late today if that's okay? [Pause and listen] You don't think I should come in today, are you sure? [Reluctantly] Okay if you insist, but I'll come in later if I'm feeling better."*

I've also - very sadly - been in training for the late nights, going to bed progressively later every night, stocked up with loads of booze for the weekend, and cleared a space to drag my bed into the front room should I so decide.

The only thing that remains is for me to decide what is worst: listening to Sky's tortuous commentary, or having the infinitely superior TMS coverage on with the out-of-sync TV pictures.

Suffice to say the Collective will hopefully be posting live from our living rooms throughout the series, so we hope that you all occasionally check out the blog from time-to-time and feel free to comment...

*Disclaimer: Note to my employer. This is a joke.

17 November 2006

Brisbane pitch when you are equipped with a blunt bowling attack?











Not that I'm starting to P A N I C but anyone know what the Gabba pitch is like? Without Harmison I'm a little concerned about how blunt our bowling attack may be...

I have read that Shane Warne 'loves it'? I assume that's the pitch rather than local rooms equipped with women, inflatable dildos and hidden camaras? Could this be Monty's great opportunity?

Our record here is not great - we lost four years ago and that was the test when Simon Jones did his knee in... Any bets on candidates for tour-ending-injury? Drew in 1998, lost in 1994 and also 1990 I think. But we won in 1986, kicking off a successful Ashes defence. And is it rainy season in the tropics at this time of year?

Batting masterclass

The good thing about YouTube is that if you can't think of anything to post you just have to search under 'cricket' and you are pretty much guaranteed to find something vaguely amusing....

Sanity prevails in the England team at last....

..now that Marcus Trescothick has gone home and Monty has got the nod ahead of Giles. My optimism for the series ahead is renewed...

16 November 2006

Australia are crap

The aussies may want to harp on about the incredible ODI match against SA earlier in the year. But they ain't got nothing on this: 721-0 in 40 overs. That's 18 an over or three a ball. Non-stop. For 40 overs.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/6154000.stm?lsm

For reference, the opposition were bowled out for 21.

Australia are an ageing team - watch out for India in the next 10 years.

14 November 2006

What will Geoffrey make of it all?

I'm not quite sure what Geoffrey Boycott will say about the whole Trescothick situation, but I'm sure it will be something along the lines of,'Depression? There were none of that nonsense in my day.'

Anyway a friend recently told me a very good Boycott-related anecdote, which I thought i should share.

My friend was inter-railing and arrived at a youth hostel in darkest post-communist downfall Poland where no one spoke English, German or French.

Understandably basic forms of prehistoric communication became crucial in order to confirm a booking for the night. Upon filling in the personal details form the owner, having glanced at the address details of my friend, suddenly threw her arms in the air and in a strong Eastern European accent announced with great delight, 'Ah you are from Yorkshire. Geoffrey Boycott!'

Bye-bye Marcus

So that's it then, Marcus Trescothick is on his way home strapped in a straight jacket somewhere over the Indian Ocean.

I 'm not quite sure what to make of the whole thing. One moment he's telling the BBC how much he's relishing the forthcoming series, the next he's pumped full of prosac and on the next flight home.

I have to admit to having some sympathy for his plight, but although I respect his right to privacy there is a part of me which can't help but be curious over whether we will ever find out what this 'stress-related illness' is or, perhaps more pertinently what has caused it.

Anyway I guess that opens the door for Cook to open and Collingwood to come in at number 5. Which leaves the final selection quandary being that of which spinner to go for. As for Trescothick's replacement, I would imagine that Robert Key is a shoe-in, and he probably now stands a decent chance of playing in one of the matches, particularly towards the end of the series.

One final thought, Mark Ramprakash was by far the best batsmen in country cricket last season, but at 37 is not even considered for the team. Australia's top six is likely to include Matty Hayden, Justin Langer and Damien Martyn, all of whom are over 35. Ask yourself this who would you rather have in the current England team, Ramprakash or Paul Collingwood?

12 November 2006

Lord of the Rings is on Channel 4



"Wants the Ashes Urn, don't we precious."

Jones vs Read

I think that England have got it right picking Jones ahead of Read, certainly I think it's a good thing if it means that it strengthens the batting line up and allows Panesar to play ahead of Giles. However I am gobsmacked by the tone of Duncan Fletcher's comments about the situation:


"Looking at the pressure that he's played under before, we believe he handles the pressure better."

"Technically we think he's a better batter on these wickets and especially
in Test match cricket.

"It's a very, very difficult decision, but we believe Jones will do a
better job."


I don't know whether he's been misquoted or the comments are taken out of context, but talk about displaying a lack of faith in Read. I simply can't understand why he just couldn't have made some anodyne comments, rather than making what amounts to a vote of no confidence in Read.

As for the debate over whether to go for Anderson ahead of Mahmood, I am a bit ambivalent. Both have bowled inconsistently this Autumn, but for his extra pace and bounce I would have gone for Mahmood. You have to ask yourself, which bowler would the Australians less like to face?

10 November 2006

All new non-He-Man cricket lookalike

Andrew Symonds: drives off the front foot.



Roland Gift of Fine Young Cannibals: drives you crazy

A rant to make me feel better...

The more I think about it the more disheartened I am after last night's debacle. The couple of hours I managed to stay awake for were a total shambles - Flintoff's bowling aside - and one look at the scorecard shows that it went downhill from there.

The fielding was particularly shocking and this was made worse by having to listen to Mark Waugh's gloating and watch the Australian fans howl like deranged hyenas everytime an England player misfielded (so basically anytime they went near the ball).

I don't buy the line that it was a result of a lack of practice. Both Anderson and Mahmood, for example, were bowling at the ICC trophy less than 3 weeks ago, and both looked distinctly average at best last night. As for Ashley Giles don't get me stated - they'd be better of with Bill f*cking Giles. Anyway the team needs to seriously buck its ideas up in the next couple of warm-up games or else the Test series is going to be extremely embarrassing.


Oh dear

I stayed up to watch a bit of England's opening game last night. When I went to sleep we were doing okay (ish) when I woke up and checked this morning we had been humiliatingly beaten by 166 runs. I sense it's going to be a very long winter....

P.S. There's a lot of speculation that England are bizarrely considering playing Ashley Giles ahead of Monty Panesar, the best English spinner in my memory. All I can say is that if it happens you read it here first...

07 November 2006

The last ever He-man/Cricket lookalike?

I have decided that now is the time to bring an end to the ever popular He-Man/Cricket lookalikes.

This is partly because a) I can't think of anymore, and b) they're not funny.

However, a bit like the unnecessary second series of I'm Alan Patridge, I've decided to do just one more for old times' sake. Thus I present you:

'Mekaneck' (A master of the Universe)


Stephen Harmison (struggles to master the ability of having two good games in a row)

06 November 2006

Okay i feel a bit guilty now...

I feel really bad now for just having had a pop at the much missed Helen Daniels. To try and restore some good karma i would remind you all to think about giving money to this very worthy cause...

The McGrath Foundation

Return of an old favourite...

Back in the days when I wasn't the only Collective member who posted on this site, some of my fellow bloggers started a series called '50 reasons why Australia wont win the Ashes.'

For those of you who don't remember, this was basically an excuse to come up with 50 reasons why Australia (the people, place and culture) is rubbish, ergo Australia (the cricket team) would lose spectacularly in the forthcoming series.

We had planned to do one of these every day up until the the first test, but out of sheer laziness - although not I would emphasize a lack of material - we seemed to run out of steam.

Anyway, I was mulling this over today and I present you Reason Number 9 (or whatever number we got to): Letting Helen Daniels die.

Back in the early 90s, during the trauma of my teenage years, whenever I had a problem I knew that I could put on BBC1 at 5.30pm and turn to Helen Daniels for help. Whether it was having a crush on the girl next door, falling in love with your wife's twin sister or seeing the love of your life shot as she protested against duck-hunting, Helen Daniels was always on hand, like some modern day Florence Nightingle, with sympathy, kindness and advice. When she died, therefore, it was like losing a family member, especially because (in what was a particularly nice touch) Neighbours insisted on showing the actual footage of Anne Haddy's funeral.

Now I know that death comes to us all, but in the UK our aging TV stars - like Bruce Forsyth, Jimmy Tarbuck or Cilla Black - have clauses in their contracts which prevent them from dying, no matter how much some people (not me) might want them to. I therefore blame you Australia, for bringing Helen Daniels into our lives and then stealing her away from us. Couldn't you have at least got a new actress to play the character?

(I realise this post has gone well beyond the realms of good taste and I should probably stop now...)

Jimmy's Diary - The waiting's nearly over

So this is it. We have finally arrived in Australia and it’s only a couple of weeks until the First Test. After the disappointment of the Champions Trophy all the boys are really excited and can’t wait to get started.

It was good to get home after India, but the last week was really rushed getting prepared for what is going to be a long tour. It’s quite hard knowing what to pack when you are going to be away for ages, especially because I know there’s a strong chance that I might struggle to get into the Test team. I’ve loaded lots of cool stuff onto my Ipod (Best of Jamiroquai, Justin Timberlake etc), packed my PSP and bought a couple of books to read (I finished the Frank Lampard autobiography in India, but couldn’t get into Steven Gerrard’s.)

The night before we left I was too excited to sleep and when it was time to leave i kept the taxi waiting because i couldn't stop going to the loo. After I left the house I had a terrible feeling that I had left the oven on and i made the cab driver take me back to check. Even now i'm sure there's something i forgot to do, but i guess it's too late to worry about.

It was good to meet up with the boys at the airport, especially the lads who didn’t go to the Champions Trophy. Alistair Cook, as usual, was in a really mischievous mood. He managed to convince Chris Read that because the selectors had decided not to give him and Geraint Jones central contracts that they'd both have to sit in economy class. Ready was not amused.

On the plane I was sat next to Belly, who insisted on having the window seat, and Paul Collingwood, who made us watch the Alan Shearer Story (twice) on his DVD player.

During the flight Chris Read and Cookie came and sat with us. They said that if I got in the Test team they’d have to come up with a new nickname for me. Someone suggested ‘Clive’ [as in Anderson, the TV presenter], but no one really liked it. Ashley Giles, who was sitting behind us, said that as we were going to Australia they should call me ‘Angry’ Anderson. I didn’t get it, so Gilo asked me if I remembered Scott and Charlene’s wedding in Neighbours. I didn’t, but Belly did because his mum still has the commemorative mug and a framed copy of that week’s TV Times. Colly asked Gilo what made him think of the idea and he said: ‘I don’t know. It just came to me… Suddenly.’ Colly groaned and everyone laughed, although when I asked him later Belly said he didn’t know what they were going on about.

The flight was very boring and it was good to finally arrive. I am sharing a room with Liam Plunkett, who's a good mate but I guess also one of my rivals for a place in the team. Belly is gutted because he’s in with KP again. I’ll write again later in the week when we’re all settled in and recovered from the jet lag.

Jimmy A, Sydney, Australia (As imagined by the I don't like Cricket collective)

02 November 2006

A message to you Rudi

Watching the highlights of Australia vs New Zealand last night I could have sworn that South African umpire Rudi Koertzen is now sporting a beard which makes him look a little like an extra from the Harrison Ford movie Witness. Was I imagining it?

I'd show you a picture of Rudi with beard to prove it but I can't find one. I've also tried to find a picture of an Amish man but again I can't find a decent one, (presumably because if you are Amish you think that the devil will steal your soul if you have your photo taken). The best I can do is this picture of a set of Amish male and female salt and pepper pots which you can buy on e-bay (if you speak Dutch)



















Interestingly I also came across this when I put 'Amish' and 'He-man' into Google for a laugh

Am i the only person who didn't know this..

....but are Rachel and Freddie Flintoff really the new faces of Asda's George range of clothes???

UPDATE:

Apparently they are. According to George global managing director Angela Spindler: "Andrew and Rachael Flintoff are the perfect couple to promote our very chic George Collection and Andrew's recent appointment as captain of the England cricket team makes him a great role model."