I don't like Cricket

Cov's Ashes Nightmare XI

I have taken some stick for stupidly leaving Darren Gough out of my England Ashes Dream XI. Suffice to say Goughie should and would be in that team so I would have to dispense with the services of Dean Headley.

Anyway as promised/threatened I've had a go at doing a Nightmare XI (Remember these are players who have played since I have been following the Ashes since '93) :

Openers: Mark Lathwell and Michael Atherton.

It's funny how things stay in your mind. During the '93 series - during the long summer between doing my GSCE's and A-levels - I remember 'hanging' out down the park (probably drinking Thunderbirds no doubt) and hearing that the England 2nd wicket partnership was doing well during the second innings of the third test. There had been a lot of hype in the run-up to the Test because a few players were making their England debuts. One of those players (I think) was Mark Lathwell. He and Robin Smith put on 89 runs (Lathwell scoring 33 of them) and I clearly remember thinking that Lathwell would go on to be a good player for England.

How wrong I proved to be.

Lathwell struggled with nerves, lasted two games and was dropped. England got hammered in that series and Lathwell's career never recovered. Thus for briefly getting my hopes up as a naive 16-year old, Mark Lathwell is being punished by being the first name on my Nightmare XI.

You might think that Athers is a harsher choice, but he gets in my team for the following reasons:
1. Getting run out for 99 against Australia;
2. For declaring in the Sydney in '95 when Graham Hick was two short of a century; 3. (Obviously) for being McGrath's bunny; and 4.
For supporting Man Utd. (the most heinous crime of all).

At No.3 I've gone for Ian Ward. Good county player; rubbish Test Player. Quit game early to pursue broadcasting career....need I say more?

Middle order: Matthew Maynard. Welsh. Rubbish.

Mike Gatting. Bizarrely selected to tour in 94-95 when nearly 40 (stone). Will always be remembered for being the man who launched Shane Warne's Test Career.

My Wicket Keeper would be Warren Hegg (with an honourable mention to Steve Rhodes). The fact that I only remembered Hegg had even played for England when I was doing some research for one of my earlier posts says it all really. Two matches. 7.50 average.

My all-rounder would have to be Mark Ealham. In fairness I checked his averages and they're not bad. Batting average of 21, 17 wickets at less than 30. But I just remember him for being a bit fat and a bit crap.

Continuing the rotund theme, my first bowler is Jimmy Ormond. 2 Test Wickets at over 90 and chucked out of the team for being overweight, Ormond's only real contribution to the England cause was a famous comeback to some Aussie sledging:

Mark Waugh [to Ormond coming out to bat]: "What are you doing out here, there's no way you're good enough to play for England.

Ormond: Maybe not, but at least I'm the best player in my family."

Quality line, but Waugh was still right.

Sharing the new ball with Ormond in my Nightmare XI is Chris Silverwood. Now one of the I don't like Cricket collective actually grew up with Silverwood, but this doesn't get away from the fact that he wasn't very good and had less of a neck than Gladstone Small.

My first change bowler is Mark Ilott. Ilott made his debut in the same game as Lathwell and frankly he didn't do much better.

Finally my spinner is Richard Dawson. Still only 26, Dawson was a classic example of a player who made his debut too early and was palpably out of his depth. Recently released by Yorkshire, it will be interesting to see if he ever makes it back.

So there it is - my personal Ashes Donkeys XI. In fairness to this lot they did have the misfortune of coming up against possibly the greatest generation of Australian players ever. But some of these guys were patently not up to playing international cricket and it’s a sad reflection of the mess that English cricket has been in at times over the last 15 years that they got anywhere near the Test side. If I've missed anyone I'm sure people will let me know...

posted by cov @ 9:33 am