If you hadn't guessed the purpose of this blog is psychological warfare: ridicule the Aussies, weaken their resolve, expose their insecurities and prove England's worth.
So now its time to pick our bunnies. Every member of the Aussie squad will get their day in the limelight, but who in particular should be the focus of our fire?
And the link to the Ashes? No, I'm not suggesting that we pick our Darren for the Ashes. However reckon it's worth recognising that poor Dazzler must be one of the unluckiest of the generation of English cricketers who never won or looked like winning an Ashes series.
As a huge Thorpey fan (no one kept the scoreboard gently ticking over like him nor did anyone ever look quite so sexy in a headband...) I felt desperately sorry for him last summer but couldn't help but think that if he had stayed quiet he would surely have been picked for Edgbaston. So, for me, Goughie stands out as a genuinely class English player who should have won an Ashes series but was never blessed with the team mates or the set-up that was needed.
So all hail his Ashes hatrick in Sydney in 1999 - the first by an Englishman since 1891-92.
All hail England's first and foremost exponent of reverse-swing - so crucial in last year's series.
All hail the bowler who led us to four series wins in a row in 2000-2001 - surely the basis on which we created last year's Ashes-winning side.
All hail the never-say-die spirit that Goughie embodied and which now (thank goodness) is an essential part of an England team. This is, after all, a 36 year old who has willed himself back into the England side and one of those cricketers who can just suddenly make things happen.
Glenn McGrath - a record of self-deception. Part 2
So having been told he's got an "aura" (here's a hint John: McGrath's an old man, the aura is the unmistakeable stink of pee that hangs around all old men), Glenn McGrath now thinks he can name his targets for the Ashes - his infamous "bunnies".
This is what he told an Australian radio station: "There's the young fellow Cook who's done well so far, he's one of many. There's no use naming one, these days you name two or three. You always name the captain."
For information, Michael Vaughan My Lord has been his bunny for the last two series. In 2001 he was the series' top scorer, and I'd say winning the Ashes was not bad for last time. And Strauss did alright last time didn't he? Centuries against McGrath at Old Trafford and the Oval (where the Ashes were won (c)).
Go on mate, you can have the new ball if you want. You've got some aura about you.
John Buchanan - weak link or just a chilled out entertainer?
John Buchanan - boot camp brainbox (due to retire April 2007) - is trying to persuade the Australian Cricket Family that two ageing bottle blondes have an "aura" despite their age. The only aura coming off these two is the haze of peroxide floating off them after their weekly cut and colour.
Courtesy of the Sydney Morning Herald (the phrase "spinning out of control" comes to mind): "There is no doubt that for some of our older bowlers, like Glenn and Warney, with age comes a lessening of some of the physical aspects of your game. But more than out-pointing that is the experience and sense of aura guys like that bring to the team... I think that if he is fit, he deserves a chance [to open]."
Describing what happened when he had a minor car crash with Ricky Ponting in the passenger seat, Shane Warne is quoted as saying: "Ricky had been carrying a Slush Puppie. It went everywhere."
Ricky, which made you feel more of an idiot? Spilling slush puppy down your pants, or this?
Remember Trent Bridge? Remember the fourth day of the fourth test? It should have been a walkover.
At the start of the day Australia were 224-4, trailing by 259 runs having followed on. By the end of the afternoon session solid Aussie batting, but - as my Nan might say - some wizard bowling too, had left us with a target of 129 to win.
Easy, yeah? I reckon so. Aussies around the ground showed no fear, but the foul stench of panic could not be hidden behind an unusually stiff Aussie upper lip.
By the time we got to 57-4, that whiff was now coming from English pants and we were wading in a metphorical sewer of fear from all corners of the ground. Pietersen and Flintoff did what they had to: steady English nerves, accumulate easy runs. This game was going to have a result and it had to be an English victory. 2-1. Ashes regained. It was there for the taking. Freddie, KP. Do the job.
But then the wickets continued to tumble... KP, then Freddie, then Geraint (I'm only in for my batting) Jones. 103-5, 111-6, 116-7.
Hoggie and Gilo to do the business. 13 runs needed. Squeeky bum time. Who knew what was going to happen? Some Aussie nearby digs out of their Wisden and tells us they lost the Headingley Test needing 130. Nice reverse psychology, aussie, but deep down we know this match is ours.
A glimpse to the balcony robs us of that confidence. Harmison is padded up, white as sheet and filled with the fear of a potentially awesome responsibility. Warne is bowling like he's 25 and thin.
(Incidentally I heard someone on 606 say this of Warne a few months back "He's a fat bloke that can spin a ball a bit." Reassuring to know that we won't be cowed even by a genius).
But its ours. Gilo. King of Spain. King of the Ashes. We win. 2-1 is not a hope its a fact. Now all we need to do is go to the Oval in mid-September and get the rain dance going.
That happened one year ago today. You remember it. Now you know what's possible in 87 days time.
By the way, I was there in Trent Bridge, if you hadn't guessed, and I even have the ticket stub sitting beside me at this moment as proof that I really did see it.
OK, not strictly an Ashes post. But when one of your female friends comes up with that statement over dinner it is surely worth noting down.
Tufnell is definitely a legend. But quite why a 16 year old (as she was at the time) would set up a television screen in the garden to watch his one-legged run up even though she hates cricket is quite beyond me.
I guess we can all sympathise with this part of his Cricinfo biography: "His batting was more straightforward, and consisted of the shuffle to square leg when facing the fast bowlers or the optimistic waft outside off stump". Well I've been there, even if you haven't.
And bringing it back to the Ashes (as we must on this site), let's not forget that he exposed Ricky Ponting as the highly strung, thin-skinned weak link in the Aussie team that we know he is with this video message at a recent awards ceremony: "Warney ... just because you're a mate of Kevin Pietersen's, it didn't mean on that last day at The Oval you had to drop him," Tufnell teased. "Do you wake up in the middle of the night thinking you might have dropped the Ashes? I have got Herschelle Gibbs' phone number here if you want some counseling."
So on reflection, I guess I can see why even a non-cricket loving northern woman can fall in love with Phil Tufnell, eh Ricky?
Glenn McGrath - a record of self-deception. Part 1
Before the beginning of the last Ashes Series Glen "Mind the Rugby ball" McGrath said: "I think I was saying 3-0 or 4-0 about 12 months ago, thinking there might be a bit of rain around. But with the weather as it is at the moment, I have to say 5-0."
Now 36 year old McGrath - who hasn't bowled for 11 months - is predicting that he'll still be round in 2009: "I know a lot of guys who have got a lot fitter and stronger when they are 40 than what they were when they were 25"
Yeah right, mate. Don't get lost on your boot camp.
Sad news for us all. Gary Pratt (a name every loyal England fan should follow with the words "Ashes Hero") has been released by Durham CCC.
Who he? You may say. Well he's a couple of photos to remind you.
Yes. That's right. He's the man that won the Ashes for us. The man that tipped Ponting over the edge. The Third Man who was our best man. He was also the only Ashes Hero not to receive an honour from the Queen - even Collingwood got a gong for his non-appearance at the Oval.
You can tell Durham they are wrong and they have a responsibility to employ a national hero by clicking here.
We're not here to discuss Darrell Hair and the rights and wrongs (not even for $500,000). This blog is all about explaining why England will retain the Ashes and the Australians will collapse.
But Rich is preparing an entry on our marvellous day at the Oval witnessing cricketing history... and the longest beer snake ever seen.
Whether you love the Barmy Army or loathe them, you cannot deny that booze is a crucial part of watching cricket, whether its 20/20, one day or two innings; international, county or club. Let's face it, if you wanted to get the best view you'd watch from the sofa, rather than sit side-on and see nothing but the odd cut or hook as it raced dangerously towards your head.
So why have the ICC decided to impose a no-booze rule to all internationals (as well as many domestic matches)?
Cricket is not football. Occasions when fans need to be monitored in more than a light-touch way are thankfully rare.
They say that this change is driven by health and safety reasons and yet my experience suggests they are quite happy to grounds fill people with as much ultra-expensive beer as they can pour.
It seems to me its just another way to make genuine fans pay extortionate prices for bad beer.
Well that wasn't very convincing was it. Certainly not the dominance that was needed. And while Sky have been going on and on about only ten teams choosing to bowl first in the history of the Oval, it looks like Inzi's apparently odd decision could have paid off.
We must never give an inch to the Australians. So today's collapse is clearly part of big Dunc's plans to: a) give the Aussies misleading data on our batsmen's strengths and weaknesses to analyse over the next 97 days. b) set up an amazing comeback for me to witness on Sunday.
Because of the missed overs earlier in the day, play has been extended until at least 7pm. A great chance to return to Test cricket that runs until late in the day rather than the ICC's insistence that play should end bang on the due time, which always seemed unfair on English tests with our long evenings.
Given that the series is over and Pakistan have two of their front line seamers returning (although not Shoaib by the sounds of it) 9 -2 on Pakistan to win looks good value to me. If Inzi wins the toss and Pakistan bat for a couple of days then that will put England under real pressure.
Having said all that I also like the look of Ian Bell at 5-1 to be top run scorer in the game, and Trescothick (4-1) is also due a score.
I am here. Did you see Stuart Broad bowl in the 2o/20 final. He looks like some player. No doubt he'll do an Anderson as soon as he gets in the England team.
While we are preparing for a third successive Test Victory over Pakistan with a squad who's average no of tests is just shy of 27 (excluding the inevitably non-playing Jon Lewis), the enemy has climbed aboard the Flying Doctor's plane and flown to the Outback for John Buchanan's boot camp.
That means ageing genius, Shane Warne, will have two 24hr DVT-inducing flights and three days roughing it in the next five days. Jason "I'm seventh in line to the throne" Gillespie will toil to justify his man of the series status against Bangladesh. And Ricky Ponting can come up with more stating the obvious rubbish on a par with his recent "we're going to go after Monty" diatribe (I mean how else would you combat a spinner? By blocking him into submission?).
We have two teams. One bonded in the couldron of competition and victory over the enemy; another brought together through injury and adversity. Both good enough to keep England's second spot in the ICC rankings.
Either is good enough and both play cricket. Neither needs to pretend an old oil drum is a valuble package that needs to be got from one side of a river to another without getting wet to bond. Cricket is the glue.
...when they head off to a boot camp. As a little reminder, this is the moment the King of Spain won the Ashes that famous day at the Brit Oval (where the Ashes were won) (c)
I missed the last Test last summer because I was working abroad.
But never fear. I'd set an elaborate network of people to text me with details of how the match was progressing. All knew the special responsbility they had. None knew the others existed.
As the messages flew across the world and I got progressivly more excited (and less focussed on work).
But the key message I had to convey to my colleagues and some confused Israelis, was that this was the culmination of touring round the country watching miserable English Test cricket since I was 13... I had to keep saying that. Again. And Again. And Again.
I was no fly-by-night fan. I'd gone through the hardship of the 90s. I knew Andrew Flintoff's real name. And I knew that this was a special moment.
So now we've got 99 days to go until we begin the battle to retain the issues.
Somewhere in South London in the Summer of 2006 the I Don't Like Cricket Collective was formed. Their sole purpose: to go underground and win the Ashes for England. Now the IDLCC is in deep cover behind enemy lines preparing the ground for an historic victory. Join the collective: you have nothing to lose but your wicket.
