Crazier and crazier, or dumb and dumber... or perhaps both. Today we have decided to publish a PDF of the chapter heading of today's highlight from John "Nice Tash" Buchanan's top secret strategy memo. Nice picture, don't you think?
This section is dedicated to his old foe, Blonde Shane Warne (48). Following there ongoing feud covered extensively on this blog HEREHERE and HERE, it seems that Buch-ers is trying to patch things up.
"Shine Shane, Shine
"I've got two requests for you Shane.
"1) Regular exercise is a great self-esteem booster and is probably one of the easiest ways to gain confidence in our bodies and our abilities. Don't you feel really good about yourself when you have had some exercise, Shane (and I don't mean exercising your thumbs texting some hotel barmaid).
"2) The state of forgiveness increases self-esteem. The state of unforgiveness decreases self-esteem. Forgiveness is all about letting go. Forgiving does not mean overlooking, it means the opposite. When you can truly forgive you set yourself free.
"You are a sunbeam, Shane. Shine one last time."
This man's a lunatic! Those Ashes are in the bag, boys and girls.
My fellow poster Mills has been having some fun below at the expense of some of our readers from across the pond in the States.
I am feeling in a conciliatory mood so I've been checking the US Cricket Association website and have found the startling fact that there are currently 36 established leagues in the US, 650 clubs and over 12,000 senior players.
With this in mind I say citizens of the USA you are welcome!
I have been trying to think of some kind of smart ass comment to make but I will have to comfort myself with a picture of the most powerful man in the world bowling a leg-break while on a recent visit to Pakistan.
Barry Beef has been cautioning the I don't like Cricket collective against underestimating the splendidly named Mike Hussey. I fear that he may be right.
I have a (albeit tenuous) theory about why he is likely to score a hatful of runs against us this winter (assuming he plays).
The theory goes something like this.
In life, if you have a comedy name you have two options:
1. Face a life of misery and abuse.
2. Fight back and prove the f*ckers wrong.
I always used to think that the reason that the former West Ham player Julian Dicks was a bit of a hard-man was because of the stick he no doubt took for his name.
Likewise Ian Botham. Everyone knows how his name should really be pronounced and the fact that he went on to become one of England's great winners is probably testament to being chased around the playground having "Ian Arse, Ian Arse" chanted at him.
Therefore when Mike "Your mum's a bit of a" Hussey has a successful winter it will be proof of a strength of character developed as a result of having a stupid name.
The fact that there are two successful Cricket-playing Husseys, I think, merely proves my point...
In an attempt to encourage L'Oreal or Always to sponsor this blog (thus making us 'new' dot.com millionaires) I thought I would bring some weighty female cricket comment to this blog. I also have to be rude about Cov's choice of Peter Such.
So here's a picture of a man who looks like my Dad. Or in the spirit of lookilikies a man who looks a little bit like John Motson. Who also looks like my Dad.
And on a serious note the only thing I remember Such for is scoring the second longest Test duck in history. In a game against New Zealand for goodness sake! This man is so like your Dad he wasn't even tempted to risk it all and score the longest Test duck in history. It was his last international appearance.
I have decided to break the house rules of the I don't like Cricket collective and do a semi-serious post on Cricket. (Yes I know this is the exclusive domain of Cricinfo and The Corridor, but my fellow posters are away this week and I have been left to man the fort this week.)
The fact that I am posting about He-Man probably gives a clue to my age. As such the first Ashes series I can recall giving two hoots about was in 1993 - 'ball of the century' and all that.
Obviously England haven't won that much during that time and I spent today trying to come up with a fantasy team of the most successful England players against Australia since I've been following the Ashes....
(Note: this is not based on anything scientific - like looking at the averages - its just based on the players I can recall doing okay over the last 13 years)
My Opening Pair would be:
Vaughan and Trescothick
Vaughan obviously picks himself and as Captain too. Tresothick, however, is probably a bit more controversial. I have gone for him mainly because he and Vaughan were a proven pairing and partly because I would always go for a right-hand/left hand opening combination. Yes I know he's never scored a hundred against the Aussies, but the same is true of Atherton (who I also toyed with, until I remembered he was McGrath's bunny) and Trescothick had a decent series last year.
At number 3:
Mark Butcher
Put simply Butch proved it against the Aussies and arguably could have gone on this tour given that Trescothick is starring in his own production of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's nest. (Only joking Marcus, get well soon!) Butcher would also be useful to bowl medium-pacers when my fantasy England team is trying to break a 300-run third wicket Australian partnership.
My middle order is as follows:
At four I've gone for Kevin Pietersen.
Let's be honest, the main problem is that he's South African. This makes him look like a bit of a tw*t, sound like a henchman from Lethal Weapon II and, as a result, the kind of bloke that you would love to slap if you saw him down your local Walkabout. But the very fact that he so utterley un-English (if such a term exists) means that during the last series he was able to come out, be fearless and frankly stick it up 'em. I suspect he will go on to become one of the greatest cricketers England has ever had, and if that's the case who cares if he probably still thinks that Mandela was guilty. (Again, only joking Kev!)
At six there's one obvious choice. Graeme Thorpe. The one consistently bright shining light of England batting during the 90's.
(I toyed with Graeme Hick who I'm pretty sure usually did well against Australia but Thrope was a no-brainer)
Wicket Keeper and All-Rounder are easy too: Alec Stewart and Flintoff.
Alec Stewart: Chelsea fan; world-class opener; underrated wicket-keeper. The kind of man you'd want in the trenches with you. (He could go over the top first mind.)
Freddie Flintoff. The star of the current England team and one of the world's most hostile bowlers and destructive batsmen, plus I never saw Botham play in the Ashes.
The bowlers were a more difficult choice.
I have only gone for one of the England bowlers from 2005 (Flintoff aside). One for the ladies here, but for his ability to bowl reverse swing and annoy Matty Hayden, I have gone for Simon Jones - the England team's Darren Anderton.
I have thus ditched Hoggard and Harmison.
Harmison is a great bowler when in the mood, but apart from giving Ponting a working over on the first morning of the first test, I think he was out-bowled by the other England seamers last year.
Instead I have gone for Andy Caddick who consistently took wickets against Australia (Sydney 2003 anyone?) and used to give no less a player than Steve Waugh a torrid time.
Hoggard I know took crucial wickets last year. But I have gone for Dean Headley who, again, took wickets against the Aussies, was a bit quicker, and was equally as good as Hoggard against the left-handers.
Finally as much as I wanted to pick Phil Tufnel as my spinner I have gone for Peter Such, which frankly reflects the paucity of quality England spinners there has been in the last decade and a bit. I know there's a case for Giles, but the Aussies have always been a bit suspect against off-spin and Such had a reasonable record against them.
Anyway that's it. I know in many ways it's an odd team, but I still think these have been the most successful England players in the Ashes since I've been following them. I would be interested to see if the stats backed this up.
The problem I have, however, is even now I don't think that this team would have won last Summer's Ashes, which of course is bizarre given that the team of 2005 did! (I've confused even myself now.) Anyway, if I get round to it I'll probably try and do a fantasy Australian team and a Nightmare England XI; but because this post has been a bit too serious here's a picture of a Toffee Crisp for no particular reason.
Okay I admit that I've been struggling with the He-Man/Cricket lookalikes (frankly Mossman/Inzamam was always going to be as good as it gets). But by popular demand (i.e. my mum quite likes them) here's another 'hilarious' set of doppelgangers...
Ian Botham (Father of professional rugby player)
King Randor (Father of the most powerful and camp man in the Universe)
Inzi banned for four 1-day internationals for bringing the game into disrepute. No conclusive proof of ball tampering. Inzi vs Hair therefore finishes in a moral score draw.
On the way into work this morning I passed a billboard advertising SKY featuring England fast bowler Steve Harmison.
Nothing odd in this you might say.
But what struck me was that under a strapline of "Sky:Your Entertainment" (or words to that effect), the advert shows a picture of Harmison taking a catch, upside down, performing what looks like the worst forward roll ever.
Can anyone tell me which bright spark at the advertising agency thought that the best way to advertise Sky/Cricket was to have a picture of a freakishly tall England Bowler falling over liked a wounded giraffe?
I have tried to find the image on the internet to show what I mean, but unfortunately I can't find it so readers - we've doubled our readership and could almost form a five-a-side team now - will have to take my word for it.
Unlike other posters to this site I am not overly confident about England's chances this winter.
However I have noted a comment from Barry Beef that I don't like Cricket is in danger of jinxing England's chances with some of our more belligerent posts.
For this reason this post includes a bit of 'lucky' imagery which anyone superstitious reading this blog can touch on screen to dispel the bad karma.
However after 'careful consideration' of a ruling by the country's Human Rights and Equal Opportunities Commission [yes I'm surprised they have one too], Cricket Australia has decided that the word "pom" is still okay.
The new policy does make a distinction however, apparently "pom" is okay unless it is used with other "coarse" language. Thus "Cheating Pom" should be okay, but "Pommie B*stard" is a no, no.
Applying the same logic, it will thus be permissible for the Barmy Army to refer to "criminals" and, presumably, "in-bred racists", but "Aussie C*nts" and "kangaroo-fucking colonials" is likely to get you ejected from the ground.
Please note: I quite like Australians really and, having seen Wolf Creek, i'm quite frightened of offending them too much...
Shane Warne was on Graham Norton's TV chat show last night with Julliette Lewis (US actress/singer/professional looney), Marcus Brigstock (very funny British comedian) and Jackie Collins (octogenarian purveyor of filthy novels.)
I have always felt that as well as being the the greatest cricketer that his ever played the game, Shane Warne also seems like a decent fella who's not afraid to poke fun at himself and plays the game the way it is supposed to be play.
However, last night he definitely overstepped the mark.....he was definitely trying to crack onto Jackie Collins.
Little by little, moustacheoed Buchanan's plans are becoming clear. This part of Buchanan's top secret memo comes from the section on sledging and is aimed at Adam Gilchrist in particular. (For non-cricket fans, Gilly normally stands behind the stumps chuntering away non-stop sledging the batsman and cheering on his former friend Warney.)
"The Gilchrist Strategy: Listen for a day "Experience a day in a new way. Spend a day listening to everyone you meet rather than talking to them. The whole focus of your day will change and take you 'outside' yourself. When you listen to people you show that you value them and are interested in them. We learn so much about ourselves by listening to others, you will probably want to do it again another day Gilly."
What an earth? This man is going round the bend. But then anyone who crafts a tash like that is going to be obsessed with self-esteem.
A source close to the Australian team has given the I don't like cricket team exclusive access to a secret strategy memo written by New Age Aussie coach, John Buchanan, and circulated to all members of the Australian squad in advance of the Ashes (but not blonde bombshell Shane Warne, 48) .
I don't like Cricket will be publishing extracts from this in the days and weeks ahead as part of our ongoing campaign of psychological warfare against the Australians:
Today's extract deals with the need for mental toughness in responding to any significant deficit at the end of the first innings in the First Test.
"Replace the word 'problem' with the word 'challenge'
"The Chinese symbol for crisis is also the symbol for opportunity. Challenges become opportunities for us to grow and develop and to increase our power to change things. Look at your difficulties in a new way. You are a powerful and creative person and you can rise to the challenges that life has to offer."
Blonde bombshell, Shane Warne has recanted on his criticism of moustacheoed John Buchanan. Coward.
Or maybe not... Speaking to the Daily Telegraph earlier this week he said: "These boot camps are a big waste of time. We were forced to push a car uphill, and after a bit I just turned to the coach and said: 'I'm as weak as piss, I hate your guts and I want to go home. You're a dickhead.' "
Shane, I'd be expecting a few texts from your comrades this week... and not the loving sort your used to sending.
Last night a fellow poster and I got extremely drunk and had one of those conversations which, on reflection, you realize the next morning that you may have got a bit carried away with.
As such we agreed last night that:
1. This is funniest cricket blog on the net...
2. We are going to 'take' the likes of The Corridor, Cricinfo and, yes, Barry Beef...
3. This time next year we will have quit our mundane nine-to-five jobs to take up a full-time career writing (amusingly of course) about cricket
I am now sitting on the sofa, hungover, watching the Ryder Cup, feeling like a twat...!
Further to my post about Mustaq Ahmed and the fact that it's madness he isn't playing for Pakistan, I have noticed that he has been appointed as their assistant coach for the ICC trophy. Okay so the man who has just taken 100 wickets in a season (for the second time) is going to the competition but only as coach?? England would kill for a leg-spinner like that...
Okay, i can just about see the argument for China (although there's clearly more people eating Crickets there than playing it)
The US? Okay maybe they can generate interest through the various and large ex-pat communities there. (In fact there's actually a US Cricket Association. )
But Japan??? No doubt this is based on some market research but does anyone play cricket in Japan...? I am happy to be proved wrong, but can anyone see Cricket rivaling Sumo and Endurance TV Shows in the affections of the Japanese?
Congratulations to Mustaq Ahmed who has just taken his 100th championship wicket of the season. Given how Danish Kaneria struggled to take wickets during the series just gone, you do have to wonder why Mushy was never recalled to the Pakistan Test team...
Unlike other posters to this blog, I am less than optimistic about England's chances this winter.
With this in mind I have begun to worry about which England players are most likely to succumb to injury and fatigue. The bowlers we can probably guess at:
Steve Harmison - homesickness, leading to sleep deprivation as a result of staying up late to watch Emmerdale on Satellite TV
James Anderson - side strain caused by excessive drink carrying
Freddie Flintoff - fatigue as a result of being asked to bat at 1 to 11 and bowl every over.
But I'm also concerned about the batting line-up. Obviously Marcus Trescothick is likely to have gone 'postal' and wont be there anyway. But I reckon Kevin Pietersen - awol having finally disappeared up Shane Warne's arse - and Alistair Cook - slipped disc as a result of being so laid back - must also be worries.
The fact that there are nearly a dozen Academy players on stand-by doesn't fill me with confidence...
Twelve year old Mike Hussey lost his first match as Australian captain by 3 wickets. (I told you the Australians don't know one end of a bat from another, let alone how to tamper a ball and get some decent reverse swing.)
In his post-match comments, the teenage captain (standing in for sleeping Ricky Ponting) said: "I enjoyed trying to come up with new ideas to find a wicket, or how we were going to keep it tight. I'm lucky I had some very experienced cricketers around me to give me some help." So that's good. Doesn't matter to him that they lost. It was just a good piece of work experience.
As the game proceeded it got so bad NSW Coach Driver, John Buchanan, woke Ricky 'Sleeping Beauty' Ponting to give the work experience boy some help and advice during the drinks break. Hussey added: "A couple of times when he came on, I was desperate for some help. He's very calm and doesn't worry about many things,"
Lessons: 1) Australia's captain is asleep. 2) Their stand-in captain loves the job but is rubbish at it. 3) He panics 4) He's got no authority or leadership.
So I say Hussey for captain - give the kid a chance.
According to the StatCounter map (see below right), this blog has recently received visits from, bizarrely, Mexico and North-East China. This of course begs the question of whether they've visited the site because of a love of cricket, or whether they are just He-Man fans. I suspect it to be the latter, in which case I feel more than justified in carrying on with what is clearly a popular feature...
How one's feelings can change so quickly. Just days ago we were offering ageing Shane Warne the chance to bowl alongside Monty Panesar, the most exciting spin bowler in Test Cricket.
Unfortunately, we will now have to withdraw this once-in-a-lifetime offer for one simple reason.
Shane Warne is a coward.
Following his strident words about Laptop Lil (aka John Buchanan), it appears that a couple of phone calls from 12,000 miles away have caused blonde Warne (92) to roll over. Completely.
Famous for his love of texting, it appears that on this occasion Warne rung LL to apologise and beg to be let back on to bootcamp. Said an ACB official: "Shane said he was shocked at the way he said his comments had been taken out of contextHe explained that the report did not represent his views. He said he is very committed to team solidarity. It was an amicable call and the team now moves on."
Come on Shane. You could have joined the Champions but you gave up. We thought better of you.
Incidentally, following on from Ricky's captaincy holiday so he can catch up on some beauty sleep, Mikey's first words in the job were: "It's pretty remarkable, I guess, but I'm just enjoying every moment. I'm just looking forward to leading the team as well as I possibly can."
I can't decide whether these are the words of a captain with strategic vision and tactical awareness, or a 12 year old who's just been made captain of the school team having never picked up a bat before.
To celebrate my return to posting, and in an effort to boost the flagging interest in this blog, I am today launching a new daily series: He-Man/Cricketing lookalikes. Admittedly it may be a struggle to think of any more, but I am convinced that this is a 'hilarious' and winning idea, guaranteed to ensure that this blog becomes the talk of the internet.
Mike "He ain't no" Hussey is to take the captaincy of Australia for the rest of the DLF cup while Ricky Ponting 'rests'.
Having had a six month break from Test Cricket the question is why? 1) Was it because his time on bootcamp working out how to defuse fake bombs has worn him out? 2) Or was it because he's too busy setting up his new flower-arranging business which will fund his post-cricket career (beginning 23 November 2006).
(Thank you to The Corridor for this advert which appeared in the Australian press one year on. If you didn't know, Marston's is the official drink of the England team now.)
John Buchanan is not respected by the authors of this blog.
But we it is hard to find better words describing our contempt than those that Shane "Bowlin' Warney" Warne used to describe BootcampBilly: "He [Buchanan] has been our coach during a successful era - but that begs a question does the coach make the team or does the team make the coach?... I'm a big believer that the coach is something you travel in to get to and from the game! You need some sort of team manager more than a coach - like we have at Hampshire with Paul Terry, where the captain runs the team and the manager sorts out everything else... International players know how to play. You don't need a coach getting too technical. You can forget that you just need to bowl the ball."
And this is the killer line: "John and I get along OK but... I think that his methods over-complicate issues and at some stages he has lacked common sense."
I think we've got this series in the bag, boys and girls.
Shane, people call you fat and old; you can barely bowl a googly anymore; you've only got one eye; you text too much. But you bowled out Gatting and we like you. Come back to your natural home and play for England.
KP tells like it is to the Guardian today... and reassures me that our new shiny team announced earlier this week (none of you commented on the leadership debate - gimps) is going to stuff the aussies.
Two particular things grab attention: 1) KP uses the word "China" a lot which Donald McCrae says "is a white South African word, a rough-and-ready approximation of 'mate'". Rubbish. We all know its Cockney Rhyming Slang: china plate rhymes with mate. 2) He's engaged to Jessica Taylor of Liberty X. Which begs the question: how long? Wasn't he going out with Caprice at the time of the BBC Sports Personality last year? Sounds like that George Michael song, 'Fast Love'.
For the cricket stuff (which is v much worth reading), read the interview HERE.
One went to school with The Enemy. The other learnt his sport on the gritty playing fields of the North.
In two days time the Ashes Squad will be announced. Who should be Captain? Strauss or Flintoff? Answers in the comment section - we'll be passing the info on to Dave and Dunc in time for Tuesday's announcement.
Apologies for the lack of posting. Mills and I (and two others) have been in the sun in Turkey. Not much cricket out there, unfortunately; nor Australians to bait.
While Rich has done his bit, it seems that Cov has been a bit tardy. Anyway, our absence seems to have resulting in an upturn in even our one-day form. Excellent. Maybe we can even harbour dreams of winning the Champions Trophy as a warm up for the main event.
The umpires are putting on their coats. Play will resume shortly.
Somewhere in South London in the Summer of 2006 the I Don't Like Cricket Collective was formed. Their sole purpose: to go underground and win the Ashes for England. Now the IDLCC is in deep cover behind enemy lines preparing the ground for an historic victory. Join the collective: you have nothing to lose but your wicket.
